What A Christmas Weekend!

Christmas Eve started out very promising...my brother got in from Chicago without delay (possibly the first time ever!), my parents were here, Alex was home from work, and Nicholas knew that Santa was on his way.  I was in my usual position of the last 9 weeks- on the couch- just watching all of the action around me.  Alex and Nicholas decided to bake cookies for Santa- which went well until we informed Nicholas that the cookies needed to be baked before you ate them.  This prompted a toddler meltdown of epic proportions!  But we got things calmed down and managed to enjoy a lovely Christmas Eve dinner before all hell truly broke loose!

 

15 minutes after finishing dinner I got sick...really sick.  The 'I just got hit by a train' kind of sick.  Nausea, severe abdominal pain, and lots of other unpleasantness which I'll refrain from describing.  I was determined to tough it out b/c it was Christmas Eve but things seemed to only get worse instead of better.  By the time I was doubled over in pain and having bloody diarrhea, the family decided it was time to go to the ER.  Thankfully Nick was asleep so he didn't know mommy had to go to the hospital...again.

At the hospital things went from bad to worse.  In addition to the intestinal distress, I started contracting.  And not just sporadically...pretty regularly...occurring about every 5 minutes.  So while I prepared to spend Christmas in the hospital- and miss Nicholas opening his presents- they started the IV, took blood, gave meds, and we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Thankfully as I got my fluids and the meds kicked in the contractions stopped.  Then we got our Christmas miracle- they were sending us home!

We got home at 3:30am Christmas morning exhausted and scared.  I was still pretty sore and uncomfortable but beyond thrilled that I was going to be able to participate in Christmas morning.  Nicholas woke up at 6:15- having no idea of the overnight events- and was ready to experience this thing called Christmas.  My heart almost exploded with emotion as my son bypassed a beautifully lit tree with loads of presents both around and underneath it, came up to the couch, threw his arms around me and said 'merry christmas, mommy!  i love you!'.  At that point, my emotions got the best of me and I cried...and cried...and laughed, covering him with kisses and telling him how much I loved him, too.  The rest of the morning went smoothly and experiencing the joy of Christmas through the eyes of an almost 2 year old is truly magic!  He was so captivated by every toy he unwrapped that he forgot about the rest of the pile.  He had to be gently prodded to put down each new toy after about 10 minutes of playing in order to continue opening presents- or else we may still be unwrapping gifts!  The fact that he loved all of it- and didn't even realize, or care, that there was more was unbelievable (and I'm sure not to be repeated for quite some time!)!

By noon, mother nature was in the Christmas spirit and the snow started.  And it snowed and snowed- accumulating about 7 inches by the time all was said and done.  This led to a post Christmas celebration of snow balls and snow angels!  It also meant that my parents were staying for one more day as they were advising people to stay off the roads.  (On the down side it meant Alex's mom would be forced to change her travel plans as the east coast was slammed with a blizzard!  But the plan is for her to arrive later this week!)

All in all, it was not a wonderful Christmas in the traditional sense.  Most people don't plan on illness, trips to the ER, or bedrest.  But I've learned that sometimes you have to throw tradition out the window in order to enjoy and appreciate what is- not what you had planned.  Never in my life have I so enjoyed watching someone else open presents or play with toys.  I've never cried with joy on Christmas morning b/c someone told me they loved me.  I had my family here and I was able to watch as my son experienced the wonder of Christmas, and a white Christmas at that!  I'm still pregnant, which is all I had asked Santa for...so while it may not have been traditional, it was wonderful all the same!

31 and 6

This post may seem to have a strange title, but if you've ever been pregnant, practiced medicine (particularly OB or prenatal care), or been around those who are pregnant or in medicine you know that we refer to pregnancies by the number of weeks and days that have passed- with a goal of 40 weeks.  Anything past 37 is full term, anything above 24 is considered that horrible word- viable (although anyone will tell you that 28 is statistically much better for survival), and anything past 13 is at a much lower risk of miscarriage.

So now that you're up to speed on that little OB tutorial, why the title 31 and 6??  That's when Nicholas was born nearly 2 years ago and that's where we are today.  Again, it's a little too much deja vu all over again.  Especially after our appt yesterday where we found that my cervix is shortening despite bedrest and she most likely will also come early.  In fact, the doctor told me that my body 'just isn't meant to carry babies past 32 weeks'.  Now, what am I supposed to do with that information?!?  I've been getting weekly injections since 18 weeks to prevent preterm labor, I've been on bedrest and medicine since 24 and 4, and I'm not exactly sure what else I can do- short of hanging me completely upside down to avoid any sort of gravitational effect.

But all kidding aside, yesterday's news unleashed a wave of emotions that I apparently have been suppressing.  Panic at what may be in store for my daughter if she too arrives before 32 weeks, anger at the likelihood that I will again be robbed of a 'normal' delivery experience (meaning I will likely again be discharged from the hospital with my baby still in the NICU), disappointment that despite all my efforts at doing nothing things are progressing outside of anyone's control, and frustration that this is all too familiar.  I cried like a baby yesterday afternoon and other than our immediate family, we kept the news to ourselves.  They mentioned the possibility of re-admitting me to the hospital, which set off another breakdown as I thought about missing Nick's Christmas morning and possibly his birthday, too.  They told me everything depended on 1 test- the FFN- which predicts the likelihood of delivery in the next 2 weeks.  Waiting for that phone call was not easy or pleasant.  Luckily, the test was negative.  Which means I'm still at home, not in the hospital, and hopefully that will get our little girl close to 34 weeks.  At that point she'd still be a NICU baby but would have a much better chance at being healthy.

There was some other good news yesterday- she's a big girl!  She's measuring a week ahead and is in the ~90th percentile, weighing in at 4lbs 7 ozs (her brother was 4lbs 9 ozs when he was 31 and 6).  Her size will only be an asset to her if she comes early...so thank goodness I tend to grow them big!  Our friend, Nurse Katie, will tell you that Nicholas was the gentle giant of the NICU compared to his very tiny friends!  (although if you saw him back then, the word giant is all relative!)

So I'm trying to stay positive- although that task is getting harder and harder.  The FFN was negative, 34 weeks is possible at this point, and she's big.  Those are the things I must hang my hat on.  If I get too caught up in the other stuff I'm afraid it's a path of despair that would be hard to come back from.  But I will again grieve the loss of normalcy- the fact that my cute maternity clothes did not get worn, the fact that I again could not decorate a nursery or wash her precious little baby clothes (thanks mom and dad!), that I can't do the whole 'nesting' thing- or anything at all- and I will never have that opportunity.  This will be our 2nd and last pregnancy b/c 1 complicated pregnancy and preterm birth is a fluke, 2 is a pattern, and we're not going to prove a point by attempting number 3!  Some say that the 3rd time is a charm.  Well my husband is a baseball coach and we abide by the '3 strikes and you're out' rule of thumb.  So in addition to a Csection there will also be a tubal- and the Tabori baby factory will be closed for business.  And while I'm not sure why, the thought of it makes me sad.  Sad, but not crazy enough to try this nonsense again!  If bedrest is hard with one child running around needing his mommy, I can't imagine what it would be like with 2!

So tomorrow is one step closer...and if she's already competing with her older brother, a victory.  It will mean she stayed in longer than he did.  I've already had the conversation with her that beating him by 1 day is not nearly enough and if she wants any leverage when they're teenagers and trying to one up the other, she needs to stay in at least 3 more weeks!  A month would be even better, don't you think?!?  We'll see...

But seeing as how my son is labeled by many things- 31 and 6, preemie, NEC survivor, NICU graduate, motor developmental delay- I want things to be different for my daughter.  Of course, I label my son differently- love of my life, pure joy, adorable, strong willed, smart...and that's what I want for my daughter.  They can fight about who's cuter, smarter, or funnier later in life- but there better be one title she can lay claim to, anything past 31 and 6!

A Strange Anniversary

Today is December 17th...which in the scope of world history is not a memorable day (that I know of!).  But for me and my family, it is a day that we'll never forget.

Everyone has a day that changes them.  Not a small, superficial change or a change in status- like a graduation or a promotion- but something that profoundly changes them.  Something changes inside them and they know they will never look at the world the same way again.  Some people have these life altering experiences early- too young- and are never quite the same.  Others do not experience them until late in life.  Well mine occurred two years ago, Dec 17th, 2008.  And it's a day that I will never, ever forget.

It started out normally enough.  I was a 3rd year family medicine resident on my geriatric rotation and had spent the day in the Nursing Home.  I was 29 weeks pregnant with my first child and Alex and I spent the evening assembling our son's new changing table.  After that I ended the evening on the phone with my friend, Maura, before heading to bed.  My biggest concern was a few problem patients that I had seen on my clinic schedule for the next morning.  Everything was as normal as could be.

Then at 2am I awoke from a dead sleep after feeling a gush of fluid between my legs and knew that something was wrong...terribly wrong.  I was right.  I ran to the bathroom and discovered I was hemorrhaging- and there was a lot of blood.  I could barely speak above a panicked whisper but that was all it took to get my husband out of bed- 'Alex....'

We drove to the hospital not knowing what was happening.  Was the baby ok?  That was my primary concern.  I knew it was too early and that having the baby at this point was extremely risky and not likely to go well.  Strangely enough, I wasn't at all concerned for me or the amount of blood I was losing- that seemed to be a non-issue.  Once we were at the hospital no one else seemed to know what was going on either.  We saw a lot of nurses who kept asking the same questions- any problems with the pregnancy, any medical issues, had i done anything out of the ordinary that night- no, No, NO!  Then the nurse practitioner came in and after doing an exam said 'well that's not what you want to see at 29 weeks' and walked out to call the doctor on call.  Alex and I were beyond hysterical at that point and had no answers- only questions and terrible fears- and no one was being even remotely reassuring that things were going to be ok.

Well now that it's 2 years later and we know how the story ends- with a wonderful baby boy who was born 3 weeks later- it's somewhat easier to talk about...but not much.  There were additional hemorrhages, an emergency Csection, and a horribly complicated NICU stay...all of which have their own dates and time stamps in my memory.  My second hemmorhage was Jan 2, my son was born Jan 5, he got deathly ill on 1/25 and then again on 1/30, and he finally came home on 2/23.  But it was on December 17th that the wheels began to turn and a series of life changing events were set into motion.  So this is the date that I identify as my life changing moment.

And how has it changed me?  I no longer take anything for granted- not a single second or moment.  We had 29 weeks of the easiest pregnancy in the world and I just assumed that's how it was supposed to be- not stopping to be thankful or even consider there was another option.  And then the bottom fell out.  (And I can tell you that is definitely NOT how it was supposed to be!)  But now I treasure every smile, every laugh, even every tantrum b/c I know how close we were to not having any of it.

I'm now a worrier.  This is not something I'm proud of and I hate worrying, but it's the truth.  I worry about the 'what ifs', the 'worst case scenarios', and all of those other things that I never used to give a second thought to.  My thoughts often keep me up at nights b/c I can't turn my brain off.  This is not anything that I'm used to and will probably never get used to it!

I'm an advocate.  I used to donate to causes and charities but thankfully I had never really been touched by something so personally that I felt the need to take up the cause.  Now I not only donate to the March of Dimes but I participate in their events and have been approached about speaking to others about our experiences.  I'm determined that people will stop viewing prematurity as a mistake or failure on the part of the mother (although don't think I don't feel that way every single day!).  I did not smoke cigarettes, use drugs, drink alcohol, avoid prenatal care, participate in extreme sports, or do anything else that would have put me or my unborn child at risk and the suggestion or insinuation that I did is not only insulting and infuriating, it's emotionally damaging.  I did everything I could for my child and loved him so much I was willing to die for him on that day, and subsequent others- as are many other mothers.  So those that suggest otherwise need to be educated on prematurity and the devastating consequences and stop casting blame.  (they would probably also benefit from a good ass kicking but that is most likely not an option!)

The one thing that did not change is my faith in something good.  Yes, we got a bum deal...and the second time around is not going according to plan either...but it's impossible to live through something like that and now see my son smile and think that life isn't good.  Of course I've been dreading this day...which is irrational b/c it's just a day...but I'm once again in the midst of a high risk pregnancy at 31 weeks and it just seemed too much like deja vu all over again.  But again, I must realize that I'm doing everything I can for her and leave the rest up to the powers that be...which was not easy 2 years ago and is not easy today.  But I have to take a deep breath and remember that 'this too shall pass'...and in 12 hours, it will be Dec 18th!

The Holiday Letter

So it figures...the one year I don't include a holiday letter in the Christmas card multiple people have called asking where it is!  To be honest, I didn't write one this year for a few reasons.  1) bed rest prevented me from getting out and buying the cute holiday paper, 2) Alex told me they're stupid and that no one reads them, 3) our printer is out of ink and buying a new cartridge hasn't been on our radar.  But due to popular demand, here is the Tabori Holiday Letter (minus the postage and Christmas card!)

Happy Holidays 2010!

Another year has flown by and once again the tree is up, the lights are on, and the Christmas specials are on TV.  This year is the most exciting we've had in quite awhile because Nicholas is in awe of all things sparkling and glittering.  Turning on the tree lights is a daily ritual that brings the same level of excitement as it did the very first time.  Decorating the tree was an interesting challenge b/c as Alex wrapped the lights around it, Nicholas followed behind and unwrapped them just as efficiently- handing them back to Alex saying, 'here daddy- lights!'  We had to delay the actual ornament hanging until nap time since that had disaster written all over it!  But the day was as perfect as a little boy could hope for- he picked out the tree with daddy and grandpa, Pandora played the Christmas music (we realized we have no holiday CDs- which we will remedy for next year!), and mother nature even did her part by contributing 3 inches of snow in an unusual early December North Carolina storm.  The only thing that put a damper on the occasion was of course, mommy's bed rest.  But in the season of Santa Claus, animated specials on TV, lights on trees, and cookies- all is well in the world of an almost 2 year old!

The rest of the year was full of big changes.  We moved into our new house in early April and are very happy here.  Nicholas loves the neighborhood park and pool and Alex and I are slowly making friends with our new neighbors.  It took 9 months and a disaster of a closing to sell our old house, but as of December 3rd we again only own one house!  Thank goodness!  After all that, we plan on staying here for a LONG time!

In June we found out we were expecting again- this time a little girl!  We were very excited, although very nervous considering all we went through with Nicholas.  Right after we told Nicholas he was going to be a big brother, he achieved the very big brother milestone of walking!  We could not have been more proud of him!  After 18 months it was well worth the wait!

Our pregnancy fears were realized when I was hospitalized on Oct 25th with preterm labor just shy of 24 weeks...it seemed like deja vu all over again.  But we had to remind ourselves that this was different- and not destined to have a bad outcome.  Well that was 7 1/2 weeks ago and each day we get closer to full term and a hopefully healthy baby girl!  Our official due date is Feb 17th but since she is a repeat C section she won't go past Feb 10th, even if everything goes perfectly.  As long as she holds out until 2011 we'll be quite pleased!

As for work- it's work.  Alex is finding that being the boss is harder than advertised but I think he enjoys it (for the most part!).  Due to his promotion and his job as daddy, he has mostly had to give up on coaching baseball but still goes as he is able.  I don't think he'll ever be able to completely give it up!  I'm still working on building my practice and the unplanned time off sorta threw a wrench in things- but I'll worry about that when I go back in the spring.  I just hope my patients will stick it out with me and return when I do!

In a season when so many have so little, we are very thankful for our many blessings!  Nicholas is a joy and watching him grow, develop, and learn each and every day is an honor and privilege!  If you would've told me 2 years ago it was possible to love someone or something this much, I would've thought it impossible!  But each day we only love him more!  And with a new baby on the way it's hard to imagine that a heart can hold that much love...but we're looking forward to it!  We also look forward to sharing more special moments with all of you, our friends, whom we also count among our blessings!  So we hope 2010 was a good year for you and those close to you and that 2011 will be full of health and happiness!

Much Love!

'Tis the Season!

'Tis the season for giving...and getting!  Hopefully with the help of Shutterfly, I'll be doing both!  They have this fantastic promotion that if you blog about their 2010 Holiday Cards (which are absolutely fantastic!) you have the chance to get 50 free cards!  And I LOVE Christmas cards!  And seeing as how I'm now out of work, I'll be taking advantage of every promotion I can find- and that means you may actually get a Tabori Christmas Card!

I've used Shutterfly before for their absolutely adorable photo books (it's the only baby book I've done for Nicholas and he's about to be 2!!) but I've never taken advantage of their cards and stationary!  Last year the Holidays somehow crept up on us and I was too late to order any...and before that, we figured no one wanted to look at a picture of just Alex and me!  But now w/ our absolutely adorable and camera loving little boy...we've got plenty to share!

The only problem will be picking out the right card!  If you look at their site they have about a billion options- ranging from 1 photo to 10!!!  And they have price ranges that will suite almost anyone!  My personal favorites are the cards that have 3-4 pictures on them.  I feel that one picture is too much pressure to pick 'the perfect shot' and my ADD kicks in when confronted with 8-10 photos...so 3-4 is perfect!  Check out a few of my favorites:

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-holiday-cards/holiday-berries-christmas-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards/snow-flurries-scarlet-christmas-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/retro-snowflake-ribbon-holiday-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-holiday-cards/dotted-collage-christmas-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards/snowflake-wishes-cranberry-holiday-5x7-photo-card-5x7-photo

Check them all out for yourself at

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards

Along with an array of photo calendars

http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars

and photo mugs (perfect for the grandparents!!)

http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs

The hardest part now should be picking your favorite!  I know I'm going to enjoy looking through our pictures and putting together the perfect holiday memory...you may even get one in the mail!

Very Thankful

Oh boy...I'm not living up to my end of the bargain with Alex!  He wanted 4 blogs weekly and it's been a week since my last post!  Not exactly sure what the excuse is b/c my schedule isn't exactly full these days- unless you count reading, sleeping, knitting, watching TV, etc.  But I've been somewhat determined to not rot my brain w/ either daytime TV or endless internet sites/games (despite my husband and my brother pleading with me to play ESPN U Be the Dean and tempting me with YouTube links!  I know they're only trying to distract me but still!!)  Anyway, I'm not exactly sure where the hours of each day go, but the important thing is that the days keep going and we're still pregnant!

Which is what brings me to the Thankful part!  I'll be honest- I'm depressed.  There, I said it.  I admitted it to my mom while she was visiting over the weekend and Alex last night...and the tears finally came...LOTS of them!  And to be honest, this pisses me off!  I KNOW that I have a lot to be thankful for and despite the inconvenience of my current situation, it could be worse- I know this first hand having lived through it with our first pregnancy!  So why despite the rational side of me trying to wage war with the emotional side of me, is the depression winning?!?  I wish I knew!  Most people, when down, do something to cheer themselves up- well, I'm limited in my usual go-to options.  I can't exercise (although based on the appearance of my now skinny calves it seems I need to!), I can't go shopping, I can't go for a round of margaritas with the girls...I'm stuck in the house with myself and my thoughts.  Which to be honest, somedays is too much to take!  I worry about my future daughter almost constantly- praying that she'll be patient enough to wait and my body will be cooperative enough to allow her to stay in there.  I worry about my son and hope that he doesn't hate me for my inability to be mommy the way i used to be.  I worry about the financial impact that this is having on my family (which is considerable given the whole out of work for ~5 months!).  I'm suddenly a worrier...and honestly, I HATE worrying!

So I'm making myself write in black and white all the things I'm thankful for- similar to when we used to give our 'Thankfulness Report' prior to our big family meal.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays- not so much for the food (which is hard to beat!) but b/c the whole holiday focuses on family and togetherness.  This year I will not be able to sit at the table with my mom or dad, my brother, my in-laws, etc- but I will have the love of my husband, son, dog, and unborn daughter in my home and that right there is enough to start my list!

- My amazing family!
- I'm still pregnant at 28 weeks, which seemed unlikely 4 weeks ago
- We're expecting a little girl!
- My son...for a million reasons I could list and a million more that I can't!  He is my world!
- I am not one of the 37.5 million Americans who will be hungry this holiday season
- I will have a job when I can come back
- The kindness of others.  I met a woman at a neighborhood yard sale the weekend before we went to the hospital and she has been calling and emailing me to make sure we're ok.  My husband's coworkers are nothing short of amazing- for the 2nd complicated pregnancy!  They send books, gift baskets, are organizing a baby shower, offer to babysit- and they barely know me!  Which to me says 2 things- 1) they are incredible people and 2) my husband must be a hell of a boss for them to care at all!
- Modern medicine...not only is it my chosen career but it saved my son's life and is now working to protect my daughter
- My dog...he's a faithful companion and will play when i need a smile and cuddle when i need to cry
- The fact that I have a dad who is not just able, but willing to move in with us to cook, clean, babysit, and basically pick up where I no longer can is beyond a blessing!
- Christmas lights...it's hard to be sad when they're so pretty!  It's the first year I want them up early!
- My home...and that as of Nov 30 I will only own one!!

There are so many little things that I am thankful for which are trivial compared to the blessings of health, family, kindness, and love (but they make me smile all the same!).  Like salt on a margarita glass, good mexican food, sushi, the smell of pumpkin candles, hot chocolate, christmas stockings, Glamour magazine, my Uggs, sunshine, thunderstorms, the beach, the mountains, christmas cards...i could go on and on.

These are the things I must remember when my emotional side gets too depressed about our current situation.  Rationally, I know I'm a lucky girl.  A girl who has had to battle her share, but who hasn't?!?  (If you haven't, please don't tell me...I'm not sure I could handle it right now!)  And I must continue to find joy in the world around me- I always have before and I don't want to stop now!  I do not want to be a cynic, I do not want to be jaded, I do not want to be a worrier.  So therefor, I will keep working on my rational side and fighting some of these emotional pregnancy hormones...and I promise that before I eat my turkey on Thursday I will again give thanks, as I now do every day, for the blessings that I'm lucky enough to call mine.

Birthday Blues...

Two days ago I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday.  And by celebrated i mean i spent the day on the couch, limited by my bedrest instructions.  Alex tried to make it special- he taught Nicholas to say 'happy birthday, mommy', made a wonderful dinner, baked a cake, and even did the whole candle bit- but let's be real, it was kind of a bummer of a day!

That being said, I'm aware that i have much to be thankful for and much to celebrate right now!  First and most importantly, I'm still pregnant and we're approaching 27 weeks!!  Now that may not seem like much since 'normal' pregnancy is 40 weeks but after getting admitted prior to 24 weeks with preterm labor and a whole bunch of unanswered questions (not to mention fears!)- 27 is looking pretty good!  Of course, our goal is still 34+ but we must take each day at a time!

So why am i bummed out?!?  My 30th year was a good one- Nicholas is thriving, I have a new house, a job, my marriage is still wonderful, and we found out that we're having a little girl!  And my 31st year will hopefully hold just as many blessings- a healthy (dare i wish for a full term?!?) daughter, Nicholas will continue to grow and amaze me daily, and once this bedrest thing is over, everything will go back to normal...right?!?  And i guess that, right there, is what's bumming me out- nothing about this current situation even feels REMOTELY normal...not for me, not for Nicholas, not for Alex...not for anyone!

Let me try and explain...I don't sit still!  I never have.  I have always spread myself too thin, over committed to activities/events, worked too hard, 'burned the candle at both ends', blah, blah, blah.  So when this whole bedrest thing came to be, it was like going from 150 mph to slamming into a brick wall!  I was working full time, running Nick to and from daycare, trying to spend every possible waking minute with my son, taking call, planning for a new baby, managing a home (with tons of help from my very able husband), and trying to find a social life on top of everything else!  Now my day consists of reading, crappy TV, knitting, this blog, and waiting for Nicholas to get home from daycare.  I have no time constraints whatsoever!  Which I thought would be glorious, but in actuality, is a bit disconcerting!  No one cares what time I get out of bed, or if i get out of bed.  The only things I have to do is take my medicine every 6 hours to avoid contractions!  As long as i set my cell alarm for that, i'm 'good'!  Oh, and once a week i have my big outing to the doctor- which as pathetic as it sounds, completely wipes me out for the rest of the day!  How ridiculous is that?!?  Going to the doctor makes me tired...hell, my every other day shower makes me tired!  This is because i don't do anything...i don't walk around, go upstairs, or any other sort of activity that requires muscle contraction, balance or coordination!  My big events for the day are when i get up to go the bathroom!  (now I will say that i'm unbelievably thankful for bathroom priviledges having lost them during my second hospitalization with Nicholas!)

But I feel like a waste...my muscles are turning to jello, i get winded when i walk from the parking lot to the waiting room at the doctor's (and no, she's not crushing my ribs or lungs yet), and i can no longer do for myself, my family, and most importantly, my son.  It breaks my heart when he pulls on my sleeve and says, 'mommy come upstairs' or 'mommy take me to school' or any other number of things we used to do on a regular basis that i guess i took for granted!  I can't pick him up...which until 3 weeks ago was the highlight of my each and every day- picking him up, getting a bear hug from my son, and burying my head in his not quite 2 year old hair and inhaling every ounce of goodness in and around him.  This is no longer possible.  And to be honest, he not only doesn't understand, he's pissed at me!  And I don't blame him!  How do you explain to a 22 month old that mommy still loves you just as much as 3 weeks ago but can't play, pick you up, dress you, change you, take you to school, wrestle...the list goes on and on!  And we have to be very careful how we explain this to him because the last thing we want him to do is blame the baby!  He's already going to have a very hard time relinquishing the role of center of attention w/out blaming her for the weeks he lost with mommy before she got here!

Then there's Alex...he's now thrust into the role of basically being a single dad (with a lot of help from our now live in cook, housekeeper, babysitter, chauffeur, etc- my dad) and i know this can't be easy on him!  He goes to work full time, comes home, is a wonderful hands on dad, puts Nick to bed around 8:30 and then tries to do the work that is waiting for him in the form of emails, reports, etc.  I know he's exhausted!  But I'm also lonely (and selfish!) and when he gets home, I want some of his time and attention.  My human contact is very limited...and while my home is lovely, at times it feels like a prison!  And right now, he's my only contact with the 'outside world'!  He doesn't understand why I want him to recount every detail of his day when the last thing he wants to talk about is work!

Things were so much simpler when i could make myself lunch, eat dinner at the table, shower and blow dry my hair w/out timing how long i've been on my feet, interact with my son the way i used to- the way i want to, and every other daily thing i took for granted.  Hell, i used to complain about laundry and cooking- now i would give anything to feel that useful, like i've accomplished something!  I am in desparate need of a hair cut- as it stands right now, that will be my reward for making it to 28+ weeks!  And these are the daily, mundane things that i miss...this doesn't even begin to cover the feelings i have about missing Nick's first trick-or-treat, cancelling our thanksgiving plans, missing the chance to pick out our christmas tree and decorate the house, take Nick to see Santa...the list goes on and on.  Each event a painful reminder of what i'm unable to do!

Now I know that this is temporary...that god willing, after 2 1/2 months of this and a healthy baby girl, this will be forgotten (or at least fade into the background).  I also know that my most important job is taking care of this little girl and trying to provide her with the best chance of being healthy (which also means getting her as close to full term) as possible!  It's just beyond frustrating (and disappointing) that I apparently suck so bad at this whole being pregnant thing that i require all these special instructions- just to keep her where she belongs!  I see all these other pregnant women (at the doctors and on TV since I don't go anywhere else!)- big as houses- going about their normal lives and routines and i'm so damn jealous that sometimes i cry.  I want to know what is so hard about all of this, why i am an epic failure at it?!?  Why can't i be that cute pregnant lady with her son out Christmas shopping!?!  Again, I will pack up my maternity clothes this spring, not having worn most of them!  And this time I will pack them up for friends or to sell, because the Tabori baby factory is being surgically shut down once she is here!  I can't imagine placing another child at risk b/c my body is terrible at staying pregnant- and at times i feel selfish for trying a second time!  But I have to trust my doctor and listen when she says 'by doing nothing, we're actually doing something!'....and hope that the something that we're doing will allow another 8-10 weeks of pregnancy and growing for my daughter!

So I guess the grass is always greener somewhere else- when I was beyond busy I wondered when i would be able to lie around and do nothing.  Now that nothing is all i have to do, I would give anything to be just a little busy!  Of course, there is a vast expanse of middle ground that i skipped over and i'm sure that utter contentment and happiness lies somewhere in there.  That will most definitely pale in comparison to the happiness that i'm hoping for as the days and weeks continue to tick away and we await my daughter's arrival- as close to full term as possible!  Until then, you'll know where to find me...and I will do my best to enjoy every minute of it, knowing that she is worth every sacrifice, and that 10+ weeks of bedrest is just a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime of healthy!

Perspective

I have been fortunate in my life to meet many amazing people and blessed to call some of them friends.  When I say amazing people, i don't mean celebrities or politicians, nationally or internationally known names- i mean men and women who are kind, loving, work hard, and have faced unbelievable personal struggles without it affecting their overall view that the world is good.  These people inspire me and motivate me on a daily basis without even knowing it!

Let's take a look at my friend list on facebook...there are people on this list that have lost children, champion causes for their disabled children, have lost loved ones at the hands of unspeakable crimes, have lost loved ones due to long and debilitating illnesses, are single parents holding it together, have faced their own personal illnesses- some winning their battles, and some unfortunately gone too soon.  These and so many other personal and private struggles could have destroyed the people that i'm lucky enough to call friends, but miraculously, they still wake up and see the good in the world around them!

Now I'm not saying you have to overcome some life-altering hardship to be an amazing person, or even a good person- b/c that's not true!  There are many good people who live seemingly charmed lives and i'm just as in awe of them.  But to have experienced something difficult, or even devastating, and come out on the other side takes a special person.  Now coming out on the other side doesn't mean that your experience didn't change you- b/c that would be impossible!  Every experience in our lives, good or bad, leaves its mark and in some way changes us.  I guess it's the grace and poise with which we handle such experiences and what we choose to do with our new 'insight' on the back end that is what's so impressive!

For example, i have a friend who started a charitable foundation in his daughter's name so that other babies would get the intensive care they need regardless of their ability to pay.  I have a friend who is a cancer survivor who brings attention to the cause at every opportunity.  My friends fundraise, donate, speak, organize and all around make this world a better place- using their hardships as a springboard for action, discussion, and hope.  And i could not be more proud of them!

But there are also a few people on my friend list who i am truly tempted to 'un-friend' b/c i find their status updates so trivial, desperate, and annoying!  I'm sure you can relate!  And let's be real- i'm not looking to facebook as my world news, i don't want to be depressed or awe struck every time i log in.  I want to hear about the funny thing that your kid said, the annoying thing your coworker did, the embarrassing dance you did while intoxicated in front of your in-laws...these are not trivial, these are distractions!  And yes, they are fun!  What i'm talking about are the people that have seemingly lost any sense of perspective and post such offensive things as, 'won't i ever get a break?!?  my kid has an ear infection!  life is so unfair!'  or 'please pray for us, my kid has a runny nose' or 'i stained my favorite shirt, does it get any worse!?!'....i think you get the idea!

And please don't mistake my annoyance- i do care that your kid has an ear infection and/or runny nose and of course it sucks that you stained your favorite shirt, and feel free to update me on these and many other events!  These are things that everyone can relate to- as well as the dog vomiting, car breaking down, kid throwing a tantrum in crowded store, etc!  Just please don't over dramatize the situation!  No one wants to hear about your hangnail when the person next to you is hemorrhaging!  And if your kid having an ear infection truly is the worst thing you've dealt with- consider yourself lucky!  And i have certainly offered up many a prayer for people based on their facebook status- but with all the suffering and truly important issues in the world, if you're asking for a prayer, please be sure it warrants god's attention and is not something that your pediatrician can fix with simple antibiotics or your mechanic can repair with...well anything!  And if it's something replaceable- clothes, purse, car, jewelry, etc- please know that i will NOT be praying for it!

Now this post may be offensive to some- and for that, i'm sorry.  I wouldn't wish these life changing experiences on my worst enemies (if i had any!) so i certainly don't feel that you need to have one to understand!  But i guess MY perspective is changed after our experiences with Nicholas and in those experiences and tears i've shared with friends and family over the years!  It saddens me that so many people lose site of the things they should be truly grateful for!  So next time that it's tempting to complain about the unfairness of life i ask you two favors- 1) know your audience (which in the case of facebook is broad and all-encompassing) and 2) try and keep it in perspective!  Remember, we've been told since childhood that life isn't fair, and unfortunately some know that better than others!

Daddy's girl

Did you ever have one of those moments when all of a sudden something becomes so amazingly clear that you feel like a fool for missing it??  Maybe 'missing it' is the wrong word- possibly overlooking it, taking it for granted, or forgetting are better terms.  Well i had a moment like that this weekend and it was impossible to miss!  Oprah calls them her 'a-ha' moments...i think that's just b/c she can't call them her 'holy shit' moments in print and get away with it!  (but then again, she's Oprah, she probably could!)

This weekend the 2 original men in my life were with me- my dad and my brother.  Combined they had to travel 1200 miles to get here so the 3 of us being together doesn't happen all that often!  They have had an intermittantly contentious relationship (mostly b/c they're SO much alike and neither will admit it!) but things have been good for awhile so i was actually looking forward to it!  Granted, I wasn't going to be much of a hostess from my new residence on the couch but they knew this and neither seemed to mind.  In fact, my dad has been here since i got admitted to the hospital 2 weeks ago, having dropped everything to come down here and help out, and my brother booked his flight and made arrangements after hearing we were again having complications.

To understand the importance of this, you need a little background on these men (again they're very similar so most comments apply to both!).  Neither one says 'i love you' with any regularity, feeling that words are just that.  My brother is an exceptionally busy corporate lawyer with multiple deal closings occuring weekly as the end of the year rapidly approaches, so taking any time for himself, let alone me, is a big deal.  They rarely hug...they just don't.  They don't worry about what might happen- they deal with what is.  They use humor and sarcasm as a defense mechanism (i know, i know- so do i).  They often keep people at arms length to avoid opening themselves up to the possibility of hurt, but are fiercely loyal to those that they let in.  They don't fill time or space w/ idle chatter- they would rather sit in silence than talk just to talk.

So knowing my family the way i do, what could possibly have been so revealing this weekend that i actually said, 'oh shit- i get it'?!?  I think I finally understand the years of sacrifice and unspoken, no strings attached love that my dad has been giving me for the last 31 years!  Of course i've known my whole life that my dad loves me, even without him saying it regularly.  He's never missed an event, he has spent many nights by my bedside both at home and in the hospital after one of my many surgeries, he does what needs to be done w/out having to be asked- but he does it all so damn quietly that it's sometimes easy to overlook.  But not this weekend...

My dad is a Penn State Alum (class of 74)- just like my mom, my brother, my husband, and me.  So like any Penn Staters our Saturdays in the fall are shaped by who we're playing and what time the game's on.  But for my dad it goes deeper than that.  When he was in school, he couldn't go to the games.  He was paying his own way, taking as many courses as the university would allow at one time to finish as soon as possible, and working 3 jobs to do it.  There was no time for football.  So when we were growing up we often listened to the games on AM radio or watched on TV if they were televised (not as common as it is today!) but we never actually made the trek to State College.  We were certainly not poor but there just wasn't the money for such things at that time.  Then when we were in high school my dad found a ticket connection and we started going to games- alternating between me and my brother for the extra ticket.  And those weekends when you were the 'chosen one' were the best!  Eventually my parents got season tickets and since my Freshman year in 1998 have been to every home game...until this year.  My dad loves football season!  He loves the tailgating, the band (often playing the CD in the car on the way to the game), the weather (even when crappy!), and having friends- both theirs and ours- knowing they have a place to meet on Saturdays in Happy Valley!

So where was my dad when history was made this Saturday in State College??  He was here, in North Carolina- with me.  This weekend, Coach Joe Paterno won his 400th game at Penn State and everyone in the college football world says this feat will never be matched at another Division I program.  As an alum, I couldn't be prouder of our coach, our football program- and as a daughter, I am even prouder of my father!  I did not ask him to stay this weekend, to give up his ticket to his front row seat to history- I didn't have to.  Throughout the day we watched the college football announcers discuss, banter, and put together a cinematic montage marking the milestone that was set to possibly occur later that day.  My dad would grimace through text messages from my mom (who was at the game) relaying the day's events- but never once complained.  He watched the game on TV with his 2 sons (one biological and one by marriage), his grandson (decked out head to toe in Penn State gear), and his daughter- the one who needed him.

Realizing (again!) that my dad is the kind of man who would give up his opportunity to enjoy a beautiful fall day, one hell of a football game, and history without being told, without being asked, or without ever mentioning his sacrifice is humbling to say the least.  To know that he loves me that much is overwhelming!  They say that a girl will marry a man just like her father- in my case, i say, only if they're lucky!  And lucky for me, i did find a man like my father- sometimes they're eerily similar!!  But after he set such a good example, I wasn't about to settle!  And the fact that after 31 years he's still finding ways to surprise me and take care of me means that Alex has a lot to live up to...and so far, he's doing a damn good job!  And to be honest, I'm thrilled that there will be another generation, another little girl, that will know such unconditional love!  My daughter will not only have the best daddy in the world, but the best grandpa, too!  And that alone, makes us two of the luckiest ladies in the world!

A Northern girl's experience down South

Alex and I moved to North Carolina 4 1/2 years ago with the idea that we would return to somewhere north of the Mason Dixon line after I finished my residency.  After all, we're 2 yankee liberals and things such as grits, NASCAR, the word y'all, and prayer in school were foreign to us!  Well residency has come and gone, we have good jobs, a new house, and a second baby on the way- needless to say we're not moving back anytime soon...if ever!  That's partly to do with the life we've built here and partly to do with the fact that North Carolina has exceeded our admittedly low expectations!

Now after spending 26 years in my beloved PA there are just some things that will never compare- Penn State football, apple festivals, the fact that you don't go to school on the first day of hunting season (and, no- i don't hunt!), no sales tax on clothes...you know, the important things!  But on many other fronts, NC has held it's own if not (dare I say) surpassed the glory of my childhood home.  Let's compare....

- Traffic!  How in the world did I live in Philadelphia for 4 years and deal w/ that nonsense?!?  It's refreshingly comical when people in Greensboro complain about 'terrible traffic' b/c most of them have never (and will never) spend 4 hours on the Schuylkill (skoo-kil for the benefit of those not living in eastern PA) to go 10 miles!  The longer I live here though the more impatient I become with my 20 minute 'rush hour' commute when it should only take 10!  But hey, when in rome, right!?!  Advantage- NC

- Snow.  And not just the actual amount but how people deal with it!  Now most people would love to abandon the good dump that a Nor'easter brings (especially when trying to shovel it!) but I actually miss the snow!  My NC neighbors will argue that it does snow here- and they're right- white precipitation does fall from the sky and may lie on the ground for a day or two before melting, but i doubt Alex will ever need to worry about shoveling feet of snow from our driveway!  And remember that traffic that I laughed at- well that's true until any sort of winter precipitation is forecasted and then all hell breaks loose here on the roads!  People just cannot drive in winter 'weather'!  I mean really- the gas is still on the right and the break is still on the left, slow down slightly (DO NOT go under 10 miles an hour on major roads!), and hang up the damn cell and you'll be fine!  Your car was not manufactured to handle any differently than those up north so there is no mechanical disadvantage- it's all driver ineptitude to deal w/ snow!  I will give them the benefit of the doubt and say they get less practice- but honestly!  Oh, and get this- they will forecast a 'dusting' of snow and the stores will be cleaned out of bread and milk, schools actually cancel in 'anticipation of a weather event' rather than waiting for the mandatory 4 inches on the ground, and it will be the lead story of every news broadcast!  All in all, a totally different experience!  Advantage- PA

- Temperature.  Now this will seem a 180 degree change from our last discussion b/c those of you who are intellectuals will remind me that it has to be cold enough to snow (I know this- water freezes at 32 degrees regardless of latitude!) but I have to say that I LOVE the more mild temperatures!!  I find myself laughing at the weather people when they discuss how 'cold' it's going to be (for example, the high for Saturday is projected to be 48 and this 'extreme cold front' has been the lead story on the news since the election ended on Tuesday!)  People in NC will wear winter coats, scarves, hats- the whole 9 yards- when it drops to 50 degrees!  Yes, 50 degrees!  50 degrees is my cut off for flip-flops!  But I must admit, living in the south does thin your blood- b/c when I head north (or visit my brother in chicago) for a winter visit i absolutely freeze my ass off!  It makes me wonder how i did it for 26 years!  There is somewhat of a trade off in the summer when we're struggling through 30+ days of ungodly hot or whatever it was this summer- but i remember it getting quite toasty back home, too!  Advantage- NC

- Sports.  Well I've already told you that nothing will compare to Penn State Football and no matter how UNC, NC State, Wake Forest, or Duke try, it's just not going to be the same!  With that being said, basketball season down here is a whole different world!  I think they play football just to kill time until basketball starts!  Unfortunately, try as my local CBS station might to make me a basketball fan (they interrupt primetime shows to play regular season games that I couldn't care less about!) I just don't feel it!  I've always loved Tournament time and living in Greensboro it's a unique experience as we often host the 1st 2 rounds...but to follow a team through the regular season, not so much!  Of course I have to know who wins and loses to discuss such things with my patients (they all come in wearing their favorite team gear so knowing just one score down here is by no means enough!) but I'm still not ready to commit to the craziness that is ACC basketball.  And as for professional sports- there's no comparison!  I'm a Pittsburgh fan through and through which serves me well during football and hockey season b/c there are a lot of Pittsburgh fans here!  When we went to the Panthers/Steelers game there was almost as much black and gold in the stadium as Carolina gear!  Baseball season is admittedly a little rougher since my Pirates absolutely suck and have for the better part of my life (with no end in sight!) but I can always get behind the Phillies after living there for 4 years and realizing there really is no direct competition!  Besides, NC doesn't have a baseball team!  A fact that is rather odd given the absolute cult like following that high school, college, and minor league baseball has down here!  Advantage- PA

Political Views- This may surprise you!  There are really very few differences between the 2 states.  Both are pockets of intense democratic ideals (usually the cities) surrounded by vast amounts of conservativism (is that a word?!?)  Now some Northerners still have some degree of racism, bigotry, and all around intolerance just as Southerners have the reputation for- it's just expressed differently.  In my former NC middle class neighborhood there was a house that was very USA proud- yellow ribbons around the trees, American flag on the front porch, etc- you get the idea- but when the weather was warm and they opened their garage door, there was an appalling, ginormous confederate flag along the back wall!!  (did I mention their neighbors directly to the right were/are black?!?)  It made me cringe every time I saw it!  But PA, you don't get off so easy- at last check, you had the largest growing hate group population in the country and coverage of KKK rallies were not uncommon on the Central PA news!  Hate is hate, people!  Whether you proudly display it in your garage or hide it by covering your face with a hood- it's all wrong!  Unfortunately I think hate is everywhere and no matter how many times we would move or what state we would live in, it would still exist!  Disappointingly, neither of the states i've called home allow same sex marriage or have plans to address this.  Given that the South is notoriously bible focused, if i had to bet, i would guess PA would get to this first, but I'm not willing to risk it!  Advantage- NEITHER

All in all, this race is too close to call.  To be honest, I love both places!  I miss my family and friends from up North but also really like the people that I've met here.  Both places are within driving distance of major cities if the mood should strike me (but I really don't like cities all that much!).  Both have ample outdoor activities, and I have to say that the Outer Banks crush the Jersey Shore as far as beach weekends go!  (not really a fair comparision since I've never lived in NJ)  Are people friendlier down South?!?  Some, but not all.  Does everyone watch NASCAR?  Nope.  Are Northerners rude?!?  Again, some, but not all.  Do we all drive like lunatics?  Nope.  I've heard all the stereotypes from both sides having lived in 2 'very different' places.  But when you get right down to it, they're not very different at all!  And stereotypes are just that- wide, usually glaringly inaccurate generalizations.  I've come to realize that home is where you lay down roots, make your life, and feel most comfortable- and that can be anywhere if you're open to it!  Parts of me will always be a PA girl...but those parts of me are also very comfortable in Greensboro, North Carolina.  Feel free to visit to understand what i'm talking about- remember, southerners are known for their hospitality!

A very special boy

All of us like to think that our children are special- they are the cutest, smartest, and most talented kid in the room!  That's part of the unabashed bias that comes with being a parent and those of us who don't take it to some crazy extreme need not apologize for it- it's normal!  But what happens when you are told your child is 'special'- as in different, challenged, or the dreaded 'special needs' label?!?  What happens to your dreams (your personal ones and more importantly those you have for your child) then?  What happens when your world falls apart?

As some of you know, my son Nicholas is a living, breathing, walking, talking miracle.  (I know that all children are, so please don't get offended!)  He had a disasterous start to life- arriving on the scene more than 2 months early, spending 7 weeks in the NICU hooked up to machines and feeding tubes, and fighting off not 1, but 2 life threatening infections.  There were many nights that Alex and I prepared ourselves for the very real possibility that we may never get to bring our little boy home.  But then on Feb 23, 2009 he did come home!  By the grace of god and through your thoughts and prayers, we were going to be a 'normal' family!  And for 6 months we were...and we loved every minute of it!  The sleepless nights due to him crying were far better than the sleepless nights of worry in the NICU and nothing was going to bring us down- we had our beautiful little boy!  And then the bottom fell out...again!

When he was 8 months old we noticed that he didn't like to use his left hand and would sometimes ignore it all together.  Knowing this wasn't normal I scheduled a doctor's appt, hoping for reassurance that everything was fine.  That was not what we got.  His pediatrician looked at us and said, 'You're right, that's not normal.  He probably has CP or had a stroke or something.  We'll get you in with the neurologist.'  And she walked out.

We sat there, shell shocked...not knowing what to do.  We heard the words she had just said but what did they really mean?!?  And did she realize the implication and the impact that they carried?!?  Our 'normal' happy family was suddenly shattered as we were now 'special needs'.

This started the dizzying whirlwind of neurology appts, EEGs, case managers, and PT/OT evaluations.  Luckily Alex and I had both navigated this system in our professional lives, but neither of us was prepared to do it with our own child.  I became my child's strongest advocate.  When they told me he 'barely' qualified for OT services I demanded he get them anyway- really what does an 8 month old do in terms of fine motor skills, anyway?!?  But I wanted the services in place so that if and when his deficits became more noticeable he would already have the help he needed.  We got mixed reports and had a series of emotional ups and downs that would make a bipolar patient cringe.  But the bottom line was always the same- what did this mean for my beautiful little boy who had already had to fight through so much?!?

Does Nicholas have delays?  Sure, that's undeniable.  The boy didn't walk until he was 18 months old (almost to the day) and the other kids at school used to run circles around him.  But now he's walking, and running, and riding his cars.  He's feeding himself with utensils and drinking out of open 'big boy' cups.  He sings his ABCs, counts to 12, and can identify his letters- did I mention he was smart?!?  He still has trouble climbing, navigating stairs, catching a ball, and some of the other more 'athletic' things- which I know is hard on Alex.  But he's happy and healthy- that's what matters, right?!?

So why did the most recent report from his neurologist yesterday come as such a blow to us?!?  Why did Alex hear him say 'best case scenario' multiple times but still leave the office disappointed?!?  Because every parent wants their child to be 'normal' or above average- and hearing that a year of PT/OT hasn't erased the 'special needs' label was hard to take!  (on top of everything else that's going on right now!)  He told us to 'keep at it', to 'keep challenging him', to continue PT/OT until he's not making progress (which per both his therapists is still coming at a fast and furious pace!)  But at the same time he said 'best case scenario' he also mentioned 'Challenger Sports'- which for those that don't know are leagues for kids with various physical and developmental handicaps.  What the hell!??!  For those that have met Nicholas (who is a tank, and did i mention that he runs?!?) you understand that putting Nicholas on a Challenger team would be like putting Shaq on a middle school basketball team!  So the mixed messages continue and the emotional roller coaster shows no sign of letting up...and the unparallelled joys of watching him accomplish something like walking are somewhat tempered by the questions and the unknown that the future brings and his label carries.

This is not so you feel sorry for us- that is the last thing that we, as a family, want!  This is so that you may understand one boy's journey- and his family's struggle- to find that 'normalcy' we all crave.  We count our blessings every day, b/c there was a time that not having him as part of our lives was a very real possibility.  But as you see children, or adults, that are different- even in small ways- please remember there is a family that loves them dearly, that there are likely dreams that were abandoned, numerous heartaches that litter a very long road, and an optimism for acceptance.  My son has come a long way- he's made amazing strides- and I couldn't be more proud of him or love him any more than i already do.  And if you've met him, you love him, too.  (he has that effect on people!)  I just hope that as he grows, if he does have any outward sign of the struggles he's had this will be overlooked and not judged by those around him.  That is this mother's wish.





It is my goal...

Ok, on this election day 2010 I have a new goal- one that has nothing to do with democrats or republicans, taxes or wars, campaign promises or scandal- but one that has to do with working women of childbearing age getting the benefits that they truly deserve!  Afterall, women in the workplace is not a new concept, it's been 50+ years since the 'Leave It To Beaver' stay at home mom ideal was the norm.  Now, for those that know me, I've never been what you call a feminist.  Sure, I'm educated, I work in a male dominated field and (gasp!) I make more money than my equally educated husband- but I've done all of these things because I wanted to, not b/c I was pushing some gender boundary or drawing attention to some equality cause.  So where does this newfound sense of pseudofeminism come from?!?  It stems from the absolutely RIDICULOUS conversations that i've been forced to have with my job, my benefits coordinators, and HR representatives since being place on bedrest 1 week ago.  Let me explain....

First and foremost, pregnancy is NOT a disability!!  Yet i work for the biggest employer in my county, a healthcare system, and the only maternity leave available is unpaid FMLA or short term disability (and either way, there is no clear cut policy outlining either option)!  Now my future daughter has to be a repeat Csection due to issues that stemmed from my first pregnancy, but women who work for my employer- educated, reasonable women- not knowing I have to have a Csection have told me to beg my doctor for a Csection b/c this would allow me paid time off due to a disability claim.  This is absurd!  Csections carry their own set of risks for both mother and baby and should not be decided on due to financial incentives in regards to maternity leave!  That is CRAZY!  Every woman should be entitled to at least 6 weeks home with their child (which in most countries is laughably short!)- this would ensure that you, the mother, have had a chance to heal and that the baby has had some sort of bonding period before they are now cared for by a stranger!  Not to mention that most daycares won't even entertain the idea of taking a baby before they are 6 or 8 weeks old!

How is it that men in positions of power all have children?  (usually multiple children!)  It's b/c they have women at home who will take care of those children for them.  Why is it so hard to understand that a woman with 2 children under the age of 2 will not be able to use all of my FMLA days to cover the birth of my child b/c there is a strong likelihood that one or both of my children will at some point during the rest of the year get sick and need someone to stay home with them?!?  These men have had sick children, they have just never had to care for them b/c again, they have someone at home to do it for them!  I'm not implying that this situation is unique to Alex and me- this applies to all households that have 2 working parents.  And that's just it- these are hard working people, people trying to do the right thing and not rely on handouts to provide for their families, and they are meeting obstacles every step of the way!  Bottom line- you should not be punished for having a child!

I'll sum up some of the conversations I have had with my benefits people over the last few days to illustrate this point.  (granted, my situation is a little different as most pregnancies do not require you to be out of work starting at 24 weeks, but the overall tone and approach to the situation is the same.)  I sent an email to my entire division explaining the situation and apologizing for the impact my absence would have on them.  In this email i explained that i would be out indefinitely.  The very next day i received an email from my manager asking what i wanted her to do about my schedule!  Really?!?  I'm pretty sure that 'out indefinitely' would imply that you have to cancel it!!  After that exchange, I called HR to figure out what steps needed to be taken so that my leave would be appropriately filed.  She told me my FMLA would start as soon as my vacation days were exhausted.  I told her that if, god willing, my daughter made it to full term it was likely that i was going to be out for ~5 months.  She told me that would exceed my FMLA days for the year as you only get 12 weeks.  NO SHIT!  So what does that mean for me, i asked.  Well apparently it means that your job is no longer protected, they can hire someone else to replace you, and if and when you are able to come back you better hope that there's a place for you.  If not, sorry...sucks to be you!  Which is absolutely absurd!  I'm not enjoying myself on a tropical island somewhere, i'm not electing to stay home- i have a doctors order that forbids me from working!!!

Now luckily I pay for short term disability which after a 3 week waiting period will cover up to 10 weeks (maybe 13 depending on which rep you talk to) of your absence.  During this time you get 60% of your salary up to a max weekly allowance.  Certainly not ideal but better than nothing!  What happens after that amount of time, NOTHING....you get nothing!  It then reverts to your unpaid leave b/c long term disability for us 'rich' physicians doesn't kick in for a minimum of 6 months.  This again means you better not miss another day the rest of the year for family or personal illness (let alone a vacation, not that you would need one!) b/c they have the opportunity to give away your job!

It's sad and inappropriate that by doing what's best for my daughter (and following my doctor's orders) I run the risk of losing my job (which luckily I've been assured is not going to happen, but only b/c I'm a physician!) and more immediately put my family in a financial hole that most would not be able to recover from!  I'm fortunate that we have family who have assured us they won't let things fall apart should things get too tight financially, but many don't have this luxury, and it's not their responsibility to do this!  No woman, regardless of their profession, should face the possibility of losing their career (not to mention their home, savings, retirement fund, etc) against their will b/c she dared to dream of becoming a mother!

I likely will not fix this problem, but I have some upcoming free time to try!  I may not be able to assure maternity rights/benefits for all women but I'd at least like the health system I work for to have a written policy that addresses at least 'normal' pregnancy, birth, and subsequent maternity leave.  I'll keep you updated...

Happy Halloween!!

     Well another Halloween has come and gone- with super cute kids in costumes, teens wearing inappropriately slutty outfits, and adults drinking beers as they 'supervise'.  This year was a little different for me for a fewreasons, 1) it was Nick's 1st trick or treat 2) I didn't get to participate...in any of it!  Just another joy of bedrest!

     On the bright side, I had the cutest little Tigger who managed to trick-or-treat without a major toddler meltdown (per dad's report) and the only time he cried was when it was time to come in and leave his wagon! (thanks, Uncle Dan...we LOVE that thing!)  Another bright spot- Nicholas in no way needs to eat any of that candy so that leaves more for me and my pregnant self!

     It's a somewhat strange Sunday b/c it feels like I need to get up and go back to work tomorrow...when in reality, i don't really get up unless i'm going to the bathroom!  I have a few goals for myself during this bedrest- teach myself how to knit (we'll start simple, with scarves and other square or rectangle objects), do this blog at the request of my husband, read the Twilight series and maybe even see the movies (i know, i'm the last person in America who hasn't seen them!), and who knows what else i'll discover.  i say this in the hopes of being optimistic- that she'll stay in long enough for me to accomplish this stuff and that i won't go totally insane while sitting here for that long!  We shall see...

     Well i'm going to watch the Steelers game and wait for Alex to upload the pictures of my sweet boy from this weekends' events.  Once available, I'll post them for all (or no one) to see!

So It Begins....

So here we are...pregnant w/ baby #2 and on bedrest- AGAIN!  This time is a little different though b/c we're not bleeding (thank god!) but we're 5 weeks earlier than when things got complicated w/ Nicholas!  So since we're hoping that I'll have at least 10 weeks of bedrest (we're only 24 weeks), Alex gave me the assignment of starting a blog.  At first I thought he was kidding, but nope, he's serious.  He's convinced I need some sort of outlet and something that will keep me from going crazy...so here it is!

I'm not exactly sure what to write about or if anyone will ever read this...so i guess it doesn't really matter what i write about!  Right now, Alex has Nicholas at his school's fall festival where he's riding ponies, enjoying the petting zoo, and having a hayride.  And here i am, on the couch- where i'll hopefully be for the next 10+ weeks.  This is the part of bedrest that sucks!  We had a whole weekend of events planned for Nick's first halloween and now I can't participate in any of them!  Luckily i have the best husband in the world, who is also an amazing father, and is going to make sure that Nick's life goes on as normally as possible- even if mommy can't play the part that i used to!  I also have the best family in the world b/c my dad again dropped everything when he heard i was in the hospital and drove 6 hours to help out with the day to day stuff that i can no longer do.  My mom also plans on coming every weekend she is able to help out- and is currently pony riding w/ Nick and Alex.  My brother booked a flight for next weekend and plans on being here to help his nephew feel like things are 'normal'.  I'm not sure how 'normal' things are but i guess life is about adapting to what is...not what we hoped they would be!