What A Christmas Weekend!

Christmas Eve started out very promising...my brother got in from Chicago without delay (possibly the first time ever!), my parents were here, Alex was home from work, and Nicholas knew that Santa was on his way.  I was in my usual position of the last 9 weeks- on the couch- just watching all of the action around me.  Alex and Nicholas decided to bake cookies for Santa- which went well until we informed Nicholas that the cookies needed to be baked before you ate them.  This prompted a toddler meltdown of epic proportions!  But we got things calmed down and managed to enjoy a lovely Christmas Eve dinner before all hell truly broke loose!

 

15 minutes after finishing dinner I got sick...really sick.  The 'I just got hit by a train' kind of sick.  Nausea, severe abdominal pain, and lots of other unpleasantness which I'll refrain from describing.  I was determined to tough it out b/c it was Christmas Eve but things seemed to only get worse instead of better.  By the time I was doubled over in pain and having bloody diarrhea, the family decided it was time to go to the ER.  Thankfully Nick was asleep so he didn't know mommy had to go to the hospital...again.

At the hospital things went from bad to worse.  In addition to the intestinal distress, I started contracting.  And not just sporadically...pretty regularly...occurring about every 5 minutes.  So while I prepared to spend Christmas in the hospital- and miss Nicholas opening his presents- they started the IV, took blood, gave meds, and we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Thankfully as I got my fluids and the meds kicked in the contractions stopped.  Then we got our Christmas miracle- they were sending us home!

We got home at 3:30am Christmas morning exhausted and scared.  I was still pretty sore and uncomfortable but beyond thrilled that I was going to be able to participate in Christmas morning.  Nicholas woke up at 6:15- having no idea of the overnight events- and was ready to experience this thing called Christmas.  My heart almost exploded with emotion as my son bypassed a beautifully lit tree with loads of presents both around and underneath it, came up to the couch, threw his arms around me and said 'merry christmas, mommy!  i love you!'.  At that point, my emotions got the best of me and I cried...and cried...and laughed, covering him with kisses and telling him how much I loved him, too.  The rest of the morning went smoothly and experiencing the joy of Christmas through the eyes of an almost 2 year old is truly magic!  He was so captivated by every toy he unwrapped that he forgot about the rest of the pile.  He had to be gently prodded to put down each new toy after about 10 minutes of playing in order to continue opening presents- or else we may still be unwrapping gifts!  The fact that he loved all of it- and didn't even realize, or care, that there was more was unbelievable (and I'm sure not to be repeated for quite some time!)!

By noon, mother nature was in the Christmas spirit and the snow started.  And it snowed and snowed- accumulating about 7 inches by the time all was said and done.  This led to a post Christmas celebration of snow balls and snow angels!  It also meant that my parents were staying for one more day as they were advising people to stay off the roads.  (On the down side it meant Alex's mom would be forced to change her travel plans as the east coast was slammed with a blizzard!  But the plan is for her to arrive later this week!)

All in all, it was not a wonderful Christmas in the traditional sense.  Most people don't plan on illness, trips to the ER, or bedrest.  But I've learned that sometimes you have to throw tradition out the window in order to enjoy and appreciate what is- not what you had planned.  Never in my life have I so enjoyed watching someone else open presents or play with toys.  I've never cried with joy on Christmas morning b/c someone told me they loved me.  I had my family here and I was able to watch as my son experienced the wonder of Christmas, and a white Christmas at that!  I'm still pregnant, which is all I had asked Santa for...so while it may not have been traditional, it was wonderful all the same!

31 and 6

This post may seem to have a strange title, but if you've ever been pregnant, practiced medicine (particularly OB or prenatal care), or been around those who are pregnant or in medicine you know that we refer to pregnancies by the number of weeks and days that have passed- with a goal of 40 weeks.  Anything past 37 is full term, anything above 24 is considered that horrible word- viable (although anyone will tell you that 28 is statistically much better for survival), and anything past 13 is at a much lower risk of miscarriage.

So now that you're up to speed on that little OB tutorial, why the title 31 and 6??  That's when Nicholas was born nearly 2 years ago and that's where we are today.  Again, it's a little too much deja vu all over again.  Especially after our appt yesterday where we found that my cervix is shortening despite bedrest and she most likely will also come early.  In fact, the doctor told me that my body 'just isn't meant to carry babies past 32 weeks'.  Now, what am I supposed to do with that information?!?  I've been getting weekly injections since 18 weeks to prevent preterm labor, I've been on bedrest and medicine since 24 and 4, and I'm not exactly sure what else I can do- short of hanging me completely upside down to avoid any sort of gravitational effect.

But all kidding aside, yesterday's news unleashed a wave of emotions that I apparently have been suppressing.  Panic at what may be in store for my daughter if she too arrives before 32 weeks, anger at the likelihood that I will again be robbed of a 'normal' delivery experience (meaning I will likely again be discharged from the hospital with my baby still in the NICU), disappointment that despite all my efforts at doing nothing things are progressing outside of anyone's control, and frustration that this is all too familiar.  I cried like a baby yesterday afternoon and other than our immediate family, we kept the news to ourselves.  They mentioned the possibility of re-admitting me to the hospital, which set off another breakdown as I thought about missing Nick's Christmas morning and possibly his birthday, too.  They told me everything depended on 1 test- the FFN- which predicts the likelihood of delivery in the next 2 weeks.  Waiting for that phone call was not easy or pleasant.  Luckily, the test was negative.  Which means I'm still at home, not in the hospital, and hopefully that will get our little girl close to 34 weeks.  At that point she'd still be a NICU baby but would have a much better chance at being healthy.

There was some other good news yesterday- she's a big girl!  She's measuring a week ahead and is in the ~90th percentile, weighing in at 4lbs 7 ozs (her brother was 4lbs 9 ozs when he was 31 and 6).  Her size will only be an asset to her if she comes early...so thank goodness I tend to grow them big!  Our friend, Nurse Katie, will tell you that Nicholas was the gentle giant of the NICU compared to his very tiny friends!  (although if you saw him back then, the word giant is all relative!)

So I'm trying to stay positive- although that task is getting harder and harder.  The FFN was negative, 34 weeks is possible at this point, and she's big.  Those are the things I must hang my hat on.  If I get too caught up in the other stuff I'm afraid it's a path of despair that would be hard to come back from.  But I will again grieve the loss of normalcy- the fact that my cute maternity clothes did not get worn, the fact that I again could not decorate a nursery or wash her precious little baby clothes (thanks mom and dad!), that I can't do the whole 'nesting' thing- or anything at all- and I will never have that opportunity.  This will be our 2nd and last pregnancy b/c 1 complicated pregnancy and preterm birth is a fluke, 2 is a pattern, and we're not going to prove a point by attempting number 3!  Some say that the 3rd time is a charm.  Well my husband is a baseball coach and we abide by the '3 strikes and you're out' rule of thumb.  So in addition to a Csection there will also be a tubal- and the Tabori baby factory will be closed for business.  And while I'm not sure why, the thought of it makes me sad.  Sad, but not crazy enough to try this nonsense again!  If bedrest is hard with one child running around needing his mommy, I can't imagine what it would be like with 2!

So tomorrow is one step closer...and if she's already competing with her older brother, a victory.  It will mean she stayed in longer than he did.  I've already had the conversation with her that beating him by 1 day is not nearly enough and if she wants any leverage when they're teenagers and trying to one up the other, she needs to stay in at least 3 more weeks!  A month would be even better, don't you think?!?  We'll see...

But seeing as how my son is labeled by many things- 31 and 6, preemie, NEC survivor, NICU graduate, motor developmental delay- I want things to be different for my daughter.  Of course, I label my son differently- love of my life, pure joy, adorable, strong willed, smart...and that's what I want for my daughter.  They can fight about who's cuter, smarter, or funnier later in life- but there better be one title she can lay claim to, anything past 31 and 6!

A Strange Anniversary

Today is December 17th...which in the scope of world history is not a memorable day (that I know of!).  But for me and my family, it is a day that we'll never forget.

Everyone has a day that changes them.  Not a small, superficial change or a change in status- like a graduation or a promotion- but something that profoundly changes them.  Something changes inside them and they know they will never look at the world the same way again.  Some people have these life altering experiences early- too young- and are never quite the same.  Others do not experience them until late in life.  Well mine occurred two years ago, Dec 17th, 2008.  And it's a day that I will never, ever forget.

It started out normally enough.  I was a 3rd year family medicine resident on my geriatric rotation and had spent the day in the Nursing Home.  I was 29 weeks pregnant with my first child and Alex and I spent the evening assembling our son's new changing table.  After that I ended the evening on the phone with my friend, Maura, before heading to bed.  My biggest concern was a few problem patients that I had seen on my clinic schedule for the next morning.  Everything was as normal as could be.

Then at 2am I awoke from a dead sleep after feeling a gush of fluid between my legs and knew that something was wrong...terribly wrong.  I was right.  I ran to the bathroom and discovered I was hemorrhaging- and there was a lot of blood.  I could barely speak above a panicked whisper but that was all it took to get my husband out of bed- 'Alex....'

We drove to the hospital not knowing what was happening.  Was the baby ok?  That was my primary concern.  I knew it was too early and that having the baby at this point was extremely risky and not likely to go well.  Strangely enough, I wasn't at all concerned for me or the amount of blood I was losing- that seemed to be a non-issue.  Once we were at the hospital no one else seemed to know what was going on either.  We saw a lot of nurses who kept asking the same questions- any problems with the pregnancy, any medical issues, had i done anything out of the ordinary that night- no, No, NO!  Then the nurse practitioner came in and after doing an exam said 'well that's not what you want to see at 29 weeks' and walked out to call the doctor on call.  Alex and I were beyond hysterical at that point and had no answers- only questions and terrible fears- and no one was being even remotely reassuring that things were going to be ok.

Well now that it's 2 years later and we know how the story ends- with a wonderful baby boy who was born 3 weeks later- it's somewhat easier to talk about...but not much.  There were additional hemorrhages, an emergency Csection, and a horribly complicated NICU stay...all of which have their own dates and time stamps in my memory.  My second hemmorhage was Jan 2, my son was born Jan 5, he got deathly ill on 1/25 and then again on 1/30, and he finally came home on 2/23.  But it was on December 17th that the wheels began to turn and a series of life changing events were set into motion.  So this is the date that I identify as my life changing moment.

And how has it changed me?  I no longer take anything for granted- not a single second or moment.  We had 29 weeks of the easiest pregnancy in the world and I just assumed that's how it was supposed to be- not stopping to be thankful or even consider there was another option.  And then the bottom fell out.  (And I can tell you that is definitely NOT how it was supposed to be!)  But now I treasure every smile, every laugh, even every tantrum b/c I know how close we were to not having any of it.

I'm now a worrier.  This is not something I'm proud of and I hate worrying, but it's the truth.  I worry about the 'what ifs', the 'worst case scenarios', and all of those other things that I never used to give a second thought to.  My thoughts often keep me up at nights b/c I can't turn my brain off.  This is not anything that I'm used to and will probably never get used to it!

I'm an advocate.  I used to donate to causes and charities but thankfully I had never really been touched by something so personally that I felt the need to take up the cause.  Now I not only donate to the March of Dimes but I participate in their events and have been approached about speaking to others about our experiences.  I'm determined that people will stop viewing prematurity as a mistake or failure on the part of the mother (although don't think I don't feel that way every single day!).  I did not smoke cigarettes, use drugs, drink alcohol, avoid prenatal care, participate in extreme sports, or do anything else that would have put me or my unborn child at risk and the suggestion or insinuation that I did is not only insulting and infuriating, it's emotionally damaging.  I did everything I could for my child and loved him so much I was willing to die for him on that day, and subsequent others- as are many other mothers.  So those that suggest otherwise need to be educated on prematurity and the devastating consequences and stop casting blame.  (they would probably also benefit from a good ass kicking but that is most likely not an option!)

The one thing that did not change is my faith in something good.  Yes, we got a bum deal...and the second time around is not going according to plan either...but it's impossible to live through something like that and now see my son smile and think that life isn't good.  Of course I've been dreading this day...which is irrational b/c it's just a day...but I'm once again in the midst of a high risk pregnancy at 31 weeks and it just seemed too much like deja vu all over again.  But again, I must realize that I'm doing everything I can for her and leave the rest up to the powers that be...which was not easy 2 years ago and is not easy today.  But I have to take a deep breath and remember that 'this too shall pass'...and in 12 hours, it will be Dec 18th!

The Holiday Letter

So it figures...the one year I don't include a holiday letter in the Christmas card multiple people have called asking where it is!  To be honest, I didn't write one this year for a few reasons.  1) bed rest prevented me from getting out and buying the cute holiday paper, 2) Alex told me they're stupid and that no one reads them, 3) our printer is out of ink and buying a new cartridge hasn't been on our radar.  But due to popular demand, here is the Tabori Holiday Letter (minus the postage and Christmas card!)

Happy Holidays 2010!

Another year has flown by and once again the tree is up, the lights are on, and the Christmas specials are on TV.  This year is the most exciting we've had in quite awhile because Nicholas is in awe of all things sparkling and glittering.  Turning on the tree lights is a daily ritual that brings the same level of excitement as it did the very first time.  Decorating the tree was an interesting challenge b/c as Alex wrapped the lights around it, Nicholas followed behind and unwrapped them just as efficiently- handing them back to Alex saying, 'here daddy- lights!'  We had to delay the actual ornament hanging until nap time since that had disaster written all over it!  But the day was as perfect as a little boy could hope for- he picked out the tree with daddy and grandpa, Pandora played the Christmas music (we realized we have no holiday CDs- which we will remedy for next year!), and mother nature even did her part by contributing 3 inches of snow in an unusual early December North Carolina storm.  The only thing that put a damper on the occasion was of course, mommy's bed rest.  But in the season of Santa Claus, animated specials on TV, lights on trees, and cookies- all is well in the world of an almost 2 year old!

The rest of the year was full of big changes.  We moved into our new house in early April and are very happy here.  Nicholas loves the neighborhood park and pool and Alex and I are slowly making friends with our new neighbors.  It took 9 months and a disaster of a closing to sell our old house, but as of December 3rd we again only own one house!  Thank goodness!  After all that, we plan on staying here for a LONG time!

In June we found out we were expecting again- this time a little girl!  We were very excited, although very nervous considering all we went through with Nicholas.  Right after we told Nicholas he was going to be a big brother, he achieved the very big brother milestone of walking!  We could not have been more proud of him!  After 18 months it was well worth the wait!

Our pregnancy fears were realized when I was hospitalized on Oct 25th with preterm labor just shy of 24 weeks...it seemed like deja vu all over again.  But we had to remind ourselves that this was different- and not destined to have a bad outcome.  Well that was 7 1/2 weeks ago and each day we get closer to full term and a hopefully healthy baby girl!  Our official due date is Feb 17th but since she is a repeat C section she won't go past Feb 10th, even if everything goes perfectly.  As long as she holds out until 2011 we'll be quite pleased!

As for work- it's work.  Alex is finding that being the boss is harder than advertised but I think he enjoys it (for the most part!).  Due to his promotion and his job as daddy, he has mostly had to give up on coaching baseball but still goes as he is able.  I don't think he'll ever be able to completely give it up!  I'm still working on building my practice and the unplanned time off sorta threw a wrench in things- but I'll worry about that when I go back in the spring.  I just hope my patients will stick it out with me and return when I do!

In a season when so many have so little, we are very thankful for our many blessings!  Nicholas is a joy and watching him grow, develop, and learn each and every day is an honor and privilege!  If you would've told me 2 years ago it was possible to love someone or something this much, I would've thought it impossible!  But each day we only love him more!  And with a new baby on the way it's hard to imagine that a heart can hold that much love...but we're looking forward to it!  We also look forward to sharing more special moments with all of you, our friends, whom we also count among our blessings!  So we hope 2010 was a good year for you and those close to you and that 2011 will be full of health and happiness!

Much Love!