31 and 6

This post may seem to have a strange title, but if you've ever been pregnant, practiced medicine (particularly OB or prenatal care), or been around those who are pregnant or in medicine you know that we refer to pregnancies by the number of weeks and days that have passed- with a goal of 40 weeks.  Anything past 37 is full term, anything above 24 is considered that horrible word- viable (although anyone will tell you that 28 is statistically much better for survival), and anything past 13 is at a much lower risk of miscarriage.

So now that you're up to speed on that little OB tutorial, why the title 31 and 6??  That's when Nicholas was born nearly 2 years ago and that's where we are today.  Again, it's a little too much deja vu all over again.  Especially after our appt yesterday where we found that my cervix is shortening despite bedrest and she most likely will also come early.  In fact, the doctor told me that my body 'just isn't meant to carry babies past 32 weeks'.  Now, what am I supposed to do with that information?!?  I've been getting weekly injections since 18 weeks to prevent preterm labor, I've been on bedrest and medicine since 24 and 4, and I'm not exactly sure what else I can do- short of hanging me completely upside down to avoid any sort of gravitational effect.

But all kidding aside, yesterday's news unleashed a wave of emotions that I apparently have been suppressing.  Panic at what may be in store for my daughter if she too arrives before 32 weeks, anger at the likelihood that I will again be robbed of a 'normal' delivery experience (meaning I will likely again be discharged from the hospital with my baby still in the NICU), disappointment that despite all my efforts at doing nothing things are progressing outside of anyone's control, and frustration that this is all too familiar.  I cried like a baby yesterday afternoon and other than our immediate family, we kept the news to ourselves.  They mentioned the possibility of re-admitting me to the hospital, which set off another breakdown as I thought about missing Nick's Christmas morning and possibly his birthday, too.  They told me everything depended on 1 test- the FFN- which predicts the likelihood of delivery in the next 2 weeks.  Waiting for that phone call was not easy or pleasant.  Luckily, the test was negative.  Which means I'm still at home, not in the hospital, and hopefully that will get our little girl close to 34 weeks.  At that point she'd still be a NICU baby but would have a much better chance at being healthy.

There was some other good news yesterday- she's a big girl!  She's measuring a week ahead and is in the ~90th percentile, weighing in at 4lbs 7 ozs (her brother was 4lbs 9 ozs when he was 31 and 6).  Her size will only be an asset to her if she comes early...so thank goodness I tend to grow them big!  Our friend, Nurse Katie, will tell you that Nicholas was the gentle giant of the NICU compared to his very tiny friends!  (although if you saw him back then, the word giant is all relative!)

So I'm trying to stay positive- although that task is getting harder and harder.  The FFN was negative, 34 weeks is possible at this point, and she's big.  Those are the things I must hang my hat on.  If I get too caught up in the other stuff I'm afraid it's a path of despair that would be hard to come back from.  But I will again grieve the loss of normalcy- the fact that my cute maternity clothes did not get worn, the fact that I again could not decorate a nursery or wash her precious little baby clothes (thanks mom and dad!), that I can't do the whole 'nesting' thing- or anything at all- and I will never have that opportunity.  This will be our 2nd and last pregnancy b/c 1 complicated pregnancy and preterm birth is a fluke, 2 is a pattern, and we're not going to prove a point by attempting number 3!  Some say that the 3rd time is a charm.  Well my husband is a baseball coach and we abide by the '3 strikes and you're out' rule of thumb.  So in addition to a Csection there will also be a tubal- and the Tabori baby factory will be closed for business.  And while I'm not sure why, the thought of it makes me sad.  Sad, but not crazy enough to try this nonsense again!  If bedrest is hard with one child running around needing his mommy, I can't imagine what it would be like with 2!

So tomorrow is one step closer...and if she's already competing with her older brother, a victory.  It will mean she stayed in longer than he did.  I've already had the conversation with her that beating him by 1 day is not nearly enough and if she wants any leverage when they're teenagers and trying to one up the other, she needs to stay in at least 3 more weeks!  A month would be even better, don't you think?!?  We'll see...

But seeing as how my son is labeled by many things- 31 and 6, preemie, NEC survivor, NICU graduate, motor developmental delay- I want things to be different for my daughter.  Of course, I label my son differently- love of my life, pure joy, adorable, strong willed, smart...and that's what I want for my daughter.  They can fight about who's cuter, smarter, or funnier later in life- but there better be one title she can lay claim to, anything past 31 and 6!