A Strange Anniversary

Today is December 17th...which in the scope of world history is not a memorable day (that I know of!).  But for me and my family, it is a day that we'll never forget.

Everyone has a day that changes them.  Not a small, superficial change or a change in status- like a graduation or a promotion- but something that profoundly changes them.  Something changes inside them and they know they will never look at the world the same way again.  Some people have these life altering experiences early- too young- and are never quite the same.  Others do not experience them until late in life.  Well mine occurred two years ago, Dec 17th, 2008.  And it's a day that I will never, ever forget.

It started out normally enough.  I was a 3rd year family medicine resident on my geriatric rotation and had spent the day in the Nursing Home.  I was 29 weeks pregnant with my first child and Alex and I spent the evening assembling our son's new changing table.  After that I ended the evening on the phone with my friend, Maura, before heading to bed.  My biggest concern was a few problem patients that I had seen on my clinic schedule for the next morning.  Everything was as normal as could be.

Then at 2am I awoke from a dead sleep after feeling a gush of fluid between my legs and knew that something was wrong...terribly wrong.  I was right.  I ran to the bathroom and discovered I was hemorrhaging- and there was a lot of blood.  I could barely speak above a panicked whisper but that was all it took to get my husband out of bed- 'Alex....'

We drove to the hospital not knowing what was happening.  Was the baby ok?  That was my primary concern.  I knew it was too early and that having the baby at this point was extremely risky and not likely to go well.  Strangely enough, I wasn't at all concerned for me or the amount of blood I was losing- that seemed to be a non-issue.  Once we were at the hospital no one else seemed to know what was going on either.  We saw a lot of nurses who kept asking the same questions- any problems with the pregnancy, any medical issues, had i done anything out of the ordinary that night- no, No, NO!  Then the nurse practitioner came in and after doing an exam said 'well that's not what you want to see at 29 weeks' and walked out to call the doctor on call.  Alex and I were beyond hysterical at that point and had no answers- only questions and terrible fears- and no one was being even remotely reassuring that things were going to be ok.

Well now that it's 2 years later and we know how the story ends- with a wonderful baby boy who was born 3 weeks later- it's somewhat easier to talk about...but not much.  There were additional hemorrhages, an emergency Csection, and a horribly complicated NICU stay...all of which have their own dates and time stamps in my memory.  My second hemmorhage was Jan 2, my son was born Jan 5, he got deathly ill on 1/25 and then again on 1/30, and he finally came home on 2/23.  But it was on December 17th that the wheels began to turn and a series of life changing events were set into motion.  So this is the date that I identify as my life changing moment.

And how has it changed me?  I no longer take anything for granted- not a single second or moment.  We had 29 weeks of the easiest pregnancy in the world and I just assumed that's how it was supposed to be- not stopping to be thankful or even consider there was another option.  And then the bottom fell out.  (And I can tell you that is definitely NOT how it was supposed to be!)  But now I treasure every smile, every laugh, even every tantrum b/c I know how close we were to not having any of it.

I'm now a worrier.  This is not something I'm proud of and I hate worrying, but it's the truth.  I worry about the 'what ifs', the 'worst case scenarios', and all of those other things that I never used to give a second thought to.  My thoughts often keep me up at nights b/c I can't turn my brain off.  This is not anything that I'm used to and will probably never get used to it!

I'm an advocate.  I used to donate to causes and charities but thankfully I had never really been touched by something so personally that I felt the need to take up the cause.  Now I not only donate to the March of Dimes but I participate in their events and have been approached about speaking to others about our experiences.  I'm determined that people will stop viewing prematurity as a mistake or failure on the part of the mother (although don't think I don't feel that way every single day!).  I did not smoke cigarettes, use drugs, drink alcohol, avoid prenatal care, participate in extreme sports, or do anything else that would have put me or my unborn child at risk and the suggestion or insinuation that I did is not only insulting and infuriating, it's emotionally damaging.  I did everything I could for my child and loved him so much I was willing to die for him on that day, and subsequent others- as are many other mothers.  So those that suggest otherwise need to be educated on prematurity and the devastating consequences and stop casting blame.  (they would probably also benefit from a good ass kicking but that is most likely not an option!)

The one thing that did not change is my faith in something good.  Yes, we got a bum deal...and the second time around is not going according to plan either...but it's impossible to live through something like that and now see my son smile and think that life isn't good.  Of course I've been dreading this day...which is irrational b/c it's just a day...but I'm once again in the midst of a high risk pregnancy at 31 weeks and it just seemed too much like deja vu all over again.  But again, I must realize that I'm doing everything I can for her and leave the rest up to the powers that be...which was not easy 2 years ago and is not easy today.  But I have to take a deep breath and remember that 'this too shall pass'...and in 12 hours, it will be Dec 18th!