AGGHHHH!!! Ok, just had to get that out of my system! I'm sure I'm not alone in my frustration when it comes to dealing with a difficult toddler...but sometimes it sure seems that way!
Yesterday was a very disappointing day in our house- Nicholas got his first incident report in which he was not the victim, but rather the offender. He bit a friend at school!!! Not hit- which by no stretch of the imagination is ok either (but a step above on the ladder of tolerable offenses!)- BIT! He has never bit anyone or anything prior to yesterday...although he has been munched on quite a few times. So some might say he's just getting his revenge. Alex and I however do not take such a 'survival of the fittest' approach and were appalled by this new, unacceptable behavior!
Sure, we've been dealing with the screaming, the tantruming, some hitting, and previously we had head banging (thank god that seems to have passed!)- but now we seem to be functioning on all evil cylinders. Yes means no, up is down, good is bad...you get the idea. Nothing seems to be working! And when my sweet little boy does make an appearance, we go from pleasant to satan's screaming spawn in 0.2 seconds without any apparent provacation! School drop off is again miserable- screaming at the top of his lungs. But when it's time to come home from school he doesn't want to do that either...he'd rather stay and play with his friends and teachers. Meal times are a challenge (to put it mildly!) since my son happens to be a bottomless pit and would eat until he literally exploded if given the chance. Making this more difficult is the fact that he's a chunky monkey and Alex and I have the daunting task of regulating portion size (since he rarely eats food that isn't good for him, changing the diet isn't an option!) He sits in his chair asking for more of everything he has in his vocabulary- chicken, potatoes, rice, broccoli, apples, pudding, cookies, noodles, etc- and then has an epic meltdown when told that a) the meal is over or b) we don't eat pudding/cookies/brownies for breakfast.
And then there are the bedtime issues- we don't want to put our jammies on at night but we scream bloody murder when we have to take them off in the morning! I'm tempted to send him to school in his Elmo jammies b/c it doesn't seem worth the fight! And when it comes time to actually lie down and go to sleep, all hell breaks loose! I'm waiting for Child Protective Services to show up some night (always between 8:15-9pm) to determine what exactly we're doing to torture our child! The neighbors must wonder what in the world is going on! On the one hand, it's the cutest thing ever when he says, 'no night-night, I cuddle with mommy' but we have never let Nicholas sleep with us and we're not about to start now with a newborn arriving any day! So we play the role of worst parents in the world and take him up to his room at the appointed time and let him scream it out for the neighborhood to hear.
I've read the articles on tantrums, and I understand that this is all an exercise in pushing limits, exploring freedom, and frustration between level of understanding and ability to express...but regardless the reason or cause, there are days that just absolutely challenge my ability to maintain control! He alternates between kind and loving and then just as quickly is bossy and demanding. Everything is 'NO' or 'MINE'...and I imagine this is only going to get worse as we prepare to bring his sister home. And don't get me wrong, I do sympathize with him and all the changes he has had recently- I've been on bedrest and unable to play or take care of him, grandparents have been in and out- trying to pick up the slack on the parenting role, half of his teaching team at school (which we all absolutely adored!) left after the New Year and there has been a revolving door of substitutes as they try and fill the position. (And honestly, if we find it this frustrating with 1 toddler I can't imagine how his saint of a teacher deals with 10 of them every day!) But changes don't excuse bad or even worse, aggressive behavior!
And to be honest, this new behavior bothers me not only b/c it's inappropriate but b/c I feel it reflects poorly on me as a parent. I know this should be the least of my concerns, but it's the truth! As he's throwing himself on the ground in the parking lot at school, you can almost feel the looks of pity or disapproval from the other parents, you know- the ones who have it all together and have never had to deal with such a thing! I vow I will never look at a parent that way...b/c not only is it condescending, it's crap! I can't imagine that there's a parent out there who hasn't had to deal with a similar situation...so why act like it?!? And in the long run, I know that this stage of his does not make me a bad parent...I'd be a bad parent if the biting, hitting, and screaming didn't bother me. But I'm certainly looking forward to the reappearance of my sweet, kind, peaceful little man...whenever that may be!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Perfect Parent
First things first- I am NOT the perfect parent. I would probably not even be in the running if they had a competition for such a thing. In fact, I'm not even sure the perfect parent exists outside the pages of the parenting magazines that come to our house monthly. Sure, I have ideas of what I should be doing to be a closer to perfect parent...and in my head I guess my vision of the perfect parent is a compilation of people I read about, see on TV, witness at the grocery store, etc. So as we prepare for round 2 of this parenting thing- and are still blindly stumbling forward through round 1- here is my wish list in regards to my parenting skills.
1) I had the desire and/or time to make homemade organic baby food. To be honest, this is just not a possibility given our work schedules. I know it doesn't make me hip or trendy or the most healthy parent, but Nicholas seemed to do just fine on Gerber and our daughter will, too.
2) We could use cloth diapers. This is something Alex and I seriously talked about prior to Nicholas being born premature and we realized that they didn't make diapers small enough to fit him. We had priced the different diaper services in our area and were ready to commit to what we felt would be better for our environment. Once Nicholas was big enough to wear cloth diapers he was also entering daycare- and the looks on their faces when we asked about the possibility of sending him in cloth diapers were priceless! It became very clear that in our area and at the daycares we were looking at, cloth diapers were not an option...period.
3) I could work part time. And not 50% of what I'm currently working, I'd be happy with 75-80%. (which for most would still count as a full time job!) Don't get me wrong, I adore our daycare and feel that they do a much better job than I ever could at teaching my son- engaging him in educational activities, providing art and music, and socializing him w/ his peers- but when you break down the number of hours in a day, I get to spend ~3 waking hrs with my son. And in those hours we must eat breakfast and dinner, get dressed for school, get a bath, brush teeth, etc- leaving precious few moments for playing and enjoying the wonder that is my child. And on more than one occasion I have felt like I was missing out!
4) I could handle every tantrum or meltdown with grace and ease. Often I am able to parent effectively- telling Nicholas to let me know when he's done and we'll talk about it when he's calmed down, giving hugs and timeouts at appropriate intervals, and keeping my own frustration at his very difficult yet witty and intelligent disobedience in check. But then there are the other days...days when I completely understand how people with less evolved coping mechanisms shake their children! I would love to lie and say I've never had those days...that i've never wanted to scream back...that i've never wished daycare was open on Saturdays...but that's just not true! Thankfully though Alex and I parent as a team and can 'tap out' when we are past our breaking point. And b/c of this, Nicholas continues to know a peaceful existence!
5) I looked like I stepped out of a J Crew catalog while running errands or hitting up the Farmer's Market or taking Nicholas for a wagon ride. Now, I'm not sure that I ever looked like I stepped out of a J Crew catalog before I had children- but I can promise you that I don't look that way now! Jeans and flip-flops, sneakers to play outside, ponytails when my hair was long, hats now that it's short, sweatshirts, comfy pants around the house (which allow much easier floor play!), and the idea of makeup is a joke! If I have showered, put on clean clothes, and my child is also clean and dressed- I consider this a victory!
6) My house was spotless. Since I've been on bedrest my house is cleaner than it's ever been due to my very attentive and thorough father. But when I don't have a live-in housekeeper this is just not the case. We have a dog that sheds constantly and his hair looks like tumbleweeds across our hardwood floors. This in turn increases the amount of dust. We have 15 sets of wood blinds in just our downstairs that should be routinely dusted/vacuumed- not counting the windows upstairs. We have baseboards and moldings and artwork...the list goes on and on. Our goal (and don't laugh people, we're not setting the bar very high!) is to keep our kitchen clean (a must!), clean the bathrooms that people use (and avoid visible mold and mildew in the one that isn't), and dust and vacuum when it is obvious that this must be done. Hey, like I said...we're working on it!
7) Every meal would be home cooked from natural ingredients. This happens more often than not but we are certainly not above Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, frozen chicken nuggets, fish sticks, and even the dreaded hotdog in a pinch. We have even-gasp- used drive thru when there is just no time and life seems to get in the way. Although I will pat myself on the back b/c my son LOVES fruits, vegetables, dairy, and is open to trying just about anything!
8) We would never use the TV as a babysitter. Nicholas rarely watches TV but there are certain things he absolutely loves- Sesame Street on Saturday mornings, football with daddy, Jeopardy at night while cuddling before bed, and now the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse if and when we find it on TV. And I'll admit, on those days when absolutely nothing makes him happy, animated movies do just the trick. I know, I know- it's not inventive or original or educational...but hey, it works and keeps the peace!
9) We would have spent more time teaching Nicholas sign language. He mastered 'more' and 'please' but was soon talking so we abandoned the efforts. Now our goal is to start introducing spanish...we'll see how that pans out!
10) I would stop beating myself up for not being perfect. I am well aware that I fall short in many things...but I also need to realize that I do the very best I can for my child. I love him and his soon to be sister more than I thought possible. I do everything I can to ensure they are happy and healthy and as well rounded as possible. And at some point I need to realize that this is enough and throw out the J Crew catalogs (unless I'm ordering), the parenting magazines (b/c I realized that I give patients advice that I myself don't follow, and their 'experts' likely do the same), and the idea that unless things are perfect they're not right. Because honestly, we have a lot more fun when things aren't perfect!
1) I had the desire and/or time to make homemade organic baby food. To be honest, this is just not a possibility given our work schedules. I know it doesn't make me hip or trendy or the most healthy parent, but Nicholas seemed to do just fine on Gerber and our daughter will, too.
2) We could use cloth diapers. This is something Alex and I seriously talked about prior to Nicholas being born premature and we realized that they didn't make diapers small enough to fit him. We had priced the different diaper services in our area and were ready to commit to what we felt would be better for our environment. Once Nicholas was big enough to wear cloth diapers he was also entering daycare- and the looks on their faces when we asked about the possibility of sending him in cloth diapers were priceless! It became very clear that in our area and at the daycares we were looking at, cloth diapers were not an option...period.
3) I could work part time. And not 50% of what I'm currently working, I'd be happy with 75-80%. (which for most would still count as a full time job!) Don't get me wrong, I adore our daycare and feel that they do a much better job than I ever could at teaching my son- engaging him in educational activities, providing art and music, and socializing him w/ his peers- but when you break down the number of hours in a day, I get to spend ~3 waking hrs with my son. And in those hours we must eat breakfast and dinner, get dressed for school, get a bath, brush teeth, etc- leaving precious few moments for playing and enjoying the wonder that is my child. And on more than one occasion I have felt like I was missing out!
4) I could handle every tantrum or meltdown with grace and ease. Often I am able to parent effectively- telling Nicholas to let me know when he's done and we'll talk about it when he's calmed down, giving hugs and timeouts at appropriate intervals, and keeping my own frustration at his very difficult yet witty and intelligent disobedience in check. But then there are the other days...days when I completely understand how people with less evolved coping mechanisms shake their children! I would love to lie and say I've never had those days...that i've never wanted to scream back...that i've never wished daycare was open on Saturdays...but that's just not true! Thankfully though Alex and I parent as a team and can 'tap out' when we are past our breaking point. And b/c of this, Nicholas continues to know a peaceful existence!
5) I looked like I stepped out of a J Crew catalog while running errands or hitting up the Farmer's Market or taking Nicholas for a wagon ride. Now, I'm not sure that I ever looked like I stepped out of a J Crew catalog before I had children- but I can promise you that I don't look that way now! Jeans and flip-flops, sneakers to play outside, ponytails when my hair was long, hats now that it's short, sweatshirts, comfy pants around the house (which allow much easier floor play!), and the idea of makeup is a joke! If I have showered, put on clean clothes, and my child is also clean and dressed- I consider this a victory!
6) My house was spotless. Since I've been on bedrest my house is cleaner than it's ever been due to my very attentive and thorough father. But when I don't have a live-in housekeeper this is just not the case. We have a dog that sheds constantly and his hair looks like tumbleweeds across our hardwood floors. This in turn increases the amount of dust. We have 15 sets of wood blinds in just our downstairs that should be routinely dusted/vacuumed- not counting the windows upstairs. We have baseboards and moldings and artwork...the list goes on and on. Our goal (and don't laugh people, we're not setting the bar very high!) is to keep our kitchen clean (a must!), clean the bathrooms that people use (and avoid visible mold and mildew in the one that isn't), and dust and vacuum when it is obvious that this must be done. Hey, like I said...we're working on it!
7) Every meal would be home cooked from natural ingredients. This happens more often than not but we are certainly not above Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, frozen chicken nuggets, fish sticks, and even the dreaded hotdog in a pinch. We have even-gasp- used drive thru when there is just no time and life seems to get in the way. Although I will pat myself on the back b/c my son LOVES fruits, vegetables, dairy, and is open to trying just about anything!
8) We would never use the TV as a babysitter. Nicholas rarely watches TV but there are certain things he absolutely loves- Sesame Street on Saturday mornings, football with daddy, Jeopardy at night while cuddling before bed, and now the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse if and when we find it on TV. And I'll admit, on those days when absolutely nothing makes him happy, animated movies do just the trick. I know, I know- it's not inventive or original or educational...but hey, it works and keeps the peace!
9) We would have spent more time teaching Nicholas sign language. He mastered 'more' and 'please' but was soon talking so we abandoned the efforts. Now our goal is to start introducing spanish...we'll see how that pans out!
10) I would stop beating myself up for not being perfect. I am well aware that I fall short in many things...but I also need to realize that I do the very best I can for my child. I love him and his soon to be sister more than I thought possible. I do everything I can to ensure they are happy and healthy and as well rounded as possible. And at some point I need to realize that this is enough and throw out the J Crew catalogs (unless I'm ordering), the parenting magazines (b/c I realized that I give patients advice that I myself don't follow, and their 'experts' likely do the same), and the idea that unless things are perfect they're not right. Because honestly, we have a lot more fun when things aren't perfect!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Anticipation
I think Carly Simon or someone had a song by that name...but anticipation is what we're finally feeling in regards to the birth of our daughter! We are 2 days shy of 36 weeks (which seemed an impossibility 12 weeks ago!!) and awaiting her arrival basically at any point! We never got to experience this feeling with Nicholas- even as we were rolling down the hallway for our emergency C-section there was the feeling that it just wasn't time (which it wasn't!)...so this is all new for us....and pretty exciting!
We had a doctor's appt today and everything was good news. She looked great on the ultrasound- she's still a big girl, measuring about 6.5 lbs and in the 75th percentile! My cervix has dramatically thinned out from last week, changing from 30% to 80% and this has likely all changed since I began sitting up on Thursday, but it's still closed...and at this point, it is what it is. She has to come out at some point! So we have another appt scheduled for Monday with the idea that she will come sometime next week, if not sooner!
I'm excited...and according to some people, I'd be crazy not to be! Not only is there the idea of welcoming our daughter into this world in the next week (which is exciting enough!), it means the end to this 12+ week stretch of bedrest, uncertainty, discomfort, and fear. And honestly, I couldn't be happier to leave that all behind! Alex hasn't quite caught up to the excitement level yet. I think he was having a small panic attack in the doctor's office and basically wanted to revoke my sitting priviledges then and there- thank goodness our doc stepped in and said I was still allowed to be upright! He is having a hard time focusing on anything other than the fact that she's still going to be between 3-4 weeks early. But honestly, I don't think it was ever in the cards for me to carry a baby for 40 weeks, even if my body didn't suck at it as badly as it does! Common sense says that someone my size doesn't carry babies in the 75-90+ percentile without them falling out at some point! And our doc today said that her chances of going to the NICU at this point are between 2-3% and that drops to 1% by next Thursday.
Her nursery for all intents and purposes is ready (with the exception of some minor decorating touches that we've been saving until I can get up and about)...the alcove in our room where she'll be sleeping for the first however many months is all set up. Her clothes are washed and ready to go. The diapers are all stacked. Her hospital bag is packed. So is mine (something we never did for our stay with Nicholas!). So I guess you could say that we're as ready as we can be. Will we ever be truly ready?!? Probably not. We're nervous about the idea of changing our zone coverage into man-to-man. Supervising Nicholas sometimes feels like it takes an army, so adding a newborn into the mix is a little daunting...but a change that millions have done before us and will continue to do long after our children are grown.
And speaking of Nicholas...I get the feeling that he knows big changes are in store. He's been very clingy lately. He again doesn't want to separate at school- something we thought we were past. He doesn't want to fall asleep by himself anymore- needing 'cuddles' from whomever he chooses that night. He's seeking attention (which is crazy b/c he gets tons of it!)...he will ask for timeout, when told he hasn't done anything wrong to deserve timeout he will promptly go and do something to earn one, and then seem pleased as can be that we now have to punish him! Maybe kids and animals have some kind of secret sense- Finn knew we were pregnant with Nicholas long before Alex and I did and now Nicholas seems to know that his sister's arrival is near. I guess we'll never know!
Anyway, my guess is that our daughter will be here sometime in the next ~10 days. That's crazy! But crazy wonderful! And we haven't had a whole lot of wonderful to speak of recently...so it's time to count our blessings! I'm excited to meet her...I'm excited to put these last 3 months far, far behind us...I'm excited to complete our family! Stay tuned...
We had a doctor's appt today and everything was good news. She looked great on the ultrasound- she's still a big girl, measuring about 6.5 lbs and in the 75th percentile! My cervix has dramatically thinned out from last week, changing from 30% to 80% and this has likely all changed since I began sitting up on Thursday, but it's still closed...and at this point, it is what it is. She has to come out at some point! So we have another appt scheduled for Monday with the idea that she will come sometime next week, if not sooner!
I'm excited...and according to some people, I'd be crazy not to be! Not only is there the idea of welcoming our daughter into this world in the next week (which is exciting enough!), it means the end to this 12+ week stretch of bedrest, uncertainty, discomfort, and fear. And honestly, I couldn't be happier to leave that all behind! Alex hasn't quite caught up to the excitement level yet. I think he was having a small panic attack in the doctor's office and basically wanted to revoke my sitting priviledges then and there- thank goodness our doc stepped in and said I was still allowed to be upright! He is having a hard time focusing on anything other than the fact that she's still going to be between 3-4 weeks early. But honestly, I don't think it was ever in the cards for me to carry a baby for 40 weeks, even if my body didn't suck at it as badly as it does! Common sense says that someone my size doesn't carry babies in the 75-90+ percentile without them falling out at some point! And our doc today said that her chances of going to the NICU at this point are between 2-3% and that drops to 1% by next Thursday.
Her nursery for all intents and purposes is ready (with the exception of some minor decorating touches that we've been saving until I can get up and about)...the alcove in our room where she'll be sleeping for the first however many months is all set up. Her clothes are washed and ready to go. The diapers are all stacked. Her hospital bag is packed. So is mine (something we never did for our stay with Nicholas!). So I guess you could say that we're as ready as we can be. Will we ever be truly ready?!? Probably not. We're nervous about the idea of changing our zone coverage into man-to-man. Supervising Nicholas sometimes feels like it takes an army, so adding a newborn into the mix is a little daunting...but a change that millions have done before us and will continue to do long after our children are grown.
And speaking of Nicholas...I get the feeling that he knows big changes are in store. He's been very clingy lately. He again doesn't want to separate at school- something we thought we were past. He doesn't want to fall asleep by himself anymore- needing 'cuddles' from whomever he chooses that night. He's seeking attention (which is crazy b/c he gets tons of it!)...he will ask for timeout, when told he hasn't done anything wrong to deserve timeout he will promptly go and do something to earn one, and then seem pleased as can be that we now have to punish him! Maybe kids and animals have some kind of secret sense- Finn knew we were pregnant with Nicholas long before Alex and I did and now Nicholas seems to know that his sister's arrival is near. I guess we'll never know!
Anyway, my guess is that our daughter will be here sometime in the next ~10 days. That's crazy! But crazy wonderful! And we haven't had a whole lot of wonderful to speak of recently...so it's time to count our blessings! I'm excited to meet her...I'm excited to put these last 3 months far, far behind us...I'm excited to complete our family! Stay tuned...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
My Reality
Yesterday marked 11 weeks since I started bedrest. That's 77 days (today makes 78) that I have not been upright for longer than it takes to go to the bathroom, take a quick shower, or walk to the car to go to my weekly doctor's appointment. That's 78 days that my muscles have basically served no purpose, that I have not picked up my son, that I have not eaten at a table, since I have driven a car...the list goes on and on. But it's also 78 days closer to a full term and hopefully healthy baby girl- which 11 weeks ago seemed an impossibility.
Over the course of these 78 days, I have heard a lot of stupid things. 'bedrest...that would be awesome!' ummm, no. 'I would love to do nothing all day' not when that's all you are able to do. 'how hard is it to just lay there?' it's not...assuming your brain is also not functioning and you have nothing else you want or need to be doing! But worse than all the stupid things I've heard (and I could go on and on!) is the deafening silence from friends and colleagues that don't know what to say- so they say nothing at all. We had a similar situation 2 years ago when Nicholas was fighting for his life in the NICU. People must figure silence is better than saying something wrong. I'm not labeling this as right or wrong...it just is. But it is also extremely lonely and very isolating- especially when your world has been confined to the walls of your own home for 78 days. There's no one to talk to, no one to meet for lunch or shopping, no one to work out with...pretty much there's just no one.
So below is a list I have compiled of what a reality on bedrest is really like...it is not comprehensive or all inclusive, just things I have learned over the last 78 days.
1) Bedrest is anything but restful- you spend most of your time worrying about your unborn baby, if work is upset with you for all the time you're missing, what you're going to do about all the money you're losing by not working, how you can make up all this time to your precious little boy who doesn't understand why suddenly one day mommy won't play, how this is straining your relationship with your husband who now does everything, how your ass is turning to jello, etc, etc, etc....
2) Breakfast in bed may be nice once in awhile, but breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed on a daily basis is torture. Meal times are the time you are supposed to connect with your family and talk about your day. Well, my days are always the same and I'm unable to sit with my family and share that time with them.
3) Daytime TV is atrocious! On the days I do give in and watch b/c I'm beyond bored I can feel myself losing IQ points. How do people watch this crap?!?
4) You can only read, knit, play games, watch TV, etc for so long before you lose interest in any and all of it. Monotony is maddening!
5) Having your husband shave your legs can be romantic if a) they're already nicely shaved, b) it's in the setting of a romantic weekend or bubble bath or vacation, etc. It is most definitely NOT hot when it's by necessity b/c people are mistaking you for an animal that is preparing to hibernate!
6) Showering is a luxury no one should ever take for granted! It is not pleasant to take a shower 2-3x/week and even less pleasant to need a chaperone to make sure you don't pass out b/c you get dizzy when you stand!
7) Skinny calves due to inactivity may be nice, but not when you have to also take the jiggly thighs and ass that come with them!
8) You should never be tired from going to the doctor...ever! This is not a (physically) strenuous event by any stretch of the imagination!
9) My tail bone is freaking killing me! Sitting up would be greatly appreciated!
10) At first it sounds ideal to have someone else cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry, taking care of your child- but it's not. The forced dependence on someone for things you used to do for yourself is not only frustrating but it's depressing. Especially when you've been remarkably independent for most of your life.
11) Your child doesn't understand...no matter what you tell him. Even though we've blamed it on the doctor and the medicine that mommy has to take so that he doesn't hate his soon-to-be sister, Nicholas doesn't understand why mommy won't play, take walks, get him dressed, give him a bath, eat dinner with him, take him to school, etc...
12) You become a child. Alex and my dad need to make sure that regardless of what they want to do there is some kind of contingency plan in place to take care of me. How will I get my lunch? Who will drive me to appts? Is there someone around in case I go into labor? Did they set out my clothes for the day?
13) Becoming a spectator in your life is appalling. I might lay in the center of the room, taking up the couch, but my life now happens around me, and often can't include me. My son's first trick-or-treat, cooking Thanksgiving dinner, decorating for Christmas, wrapping presents, taking my son to see Santa, preparing for his birthday, celebrating my birthday...even the simple things like taking Nicholas shopping for new shoes are chores that Alex feels he must do and things I would give anything to do.
14) Comfy pants are a lot less appealing when you wear them every day! I guess dress clothes are required to remind you why comfy clothes are so wonderful.
15) At this point I am physically incapable of caring for myself, let alone a toddler and soon to be a newborn- and this is a disturbing and frightening fact. I get dizzy just from standing up. I have not walked up steps in 78 days. And this is all before I have a big surgery to recover from.
16) I feel like a failure. Why am I so terrible at being pregnant?!? The hemorrhaging and subsequent preterm delivery the first time may have been a freak occurrence...but why preterm labor this time at 23.5 weeks?!? It seems like this is something my body was supposed to be designed to do...apparently not. And it feels terrible.
I'm sure I have learned lots of other things over the past 78 days...but my forgetful pregnancy brain is having a hard time putting them down on paper. Plus, for all the hard lessons I've learned I can't lose site of the fact that my daughter is still where she belongs 11 weeks after this whole mess started...and that has been the ultimate goal all along. Because when push comes to shove, I'll take months of bedrest over 7 agonizing weeks in the NICU anyday. My job is to incubate this little girl and give her every chance possible of being born healthy...and while I was unable to do that working, standing on my feet, and going about life as usual, I guess I've done a decent job at doing nothing. And it's a nothing I hope to never do again!
Over the course of these 78 days, I have heard a lot of stupid things. 'bedrest...that would be awesome!' ummm, no. 'I would love to do nothing all day' not when that's all you are able to do. 'how hard is it to just lay there?' it's not...assuming your brain is also not functioning and you have nothing else you want or need to be doing! But worse than all the stupid things I've heard (and I could go on and on!) is the deafening silence from friends and colleagues that don't know what to say- so they say nothing at all. We had a similar situation 2 years ago when Nicholas was fighting for his life in the NICU. People must figure silence is better than saying something wrong. I'm not labeling this as right or wrong...it just is. But it is also extremely lonely and very isolating- especially when your world has been confined to the walls of your own home for 78 days. There's no one to talk to, no one to meet for lunch or shopping, no one to work out with...pretty much there's just no one.
So below is a list I have compiled of what a reality on bedrest is really like...it is not comprehensive or all inclusive, just things I have learned over the last 78 days.
1) Bedrest is anything but restful- you spend most of your time worrying about your unborn baby, if work is upset with you for all the time you're missing, what you're going to do about all the money you're losing by not working, how you can make up all this time to your precious little boy who doesn't understand why suddenly one day mommy won't play, how this is straining your relationship with your husband who now does everything, how your ass is turning to jello, etc, etc, etc....
2) Breakfast in bed may be nice once in awhile, but breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed on a daily basis is torture. Meal times are the time you are supposed to connect with your family and talk about your day. Well, my days are always the same and I'm unable to sit with my family and share that time with them.
3) Daytime TV is atrocious! On the days I do give in and watch b/c I'm beyond bored I can feel myself losing IQ points. How do people watch this crap?!?
4) You can only read, knit, play games, watch TV, etc for so long before you lose interest in any and all of it. Monotony is maddening!
5) Having your husband shave your legs can be romantic if a) they're already nicely shaved, b) it's in the setting of a romantic weekend or bubble bath or vacation, etc. It is most definitely NOT hot when it's by necessity b/c people are mistaking you for an animal that is preparing to hibernate!
6) Showering is a luxury no one should ever take for granted! It is not pleasant to take a shower 2-3x/week and even less pleasant to need a chaperone to make sure you don't pass out b/c you get dizzy when you stand!
7) Skinny calves due to inactivity may be nice, but not when you have to also take the jiggly thighs and ass that come with them!
8) You should never be tired from going to the doctor...ever! This is not a (physically) strenuous event by any stretch of the imagination!
9) My tail bone is freaking killing me! Sitting up would be greatly appreciated!
10) At first it sounds ideal to have someone else cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry, taking care of your child- but it's not. The forced dependence on someone for things you used to do for yourself is not only frustrating but it's depressing. Especially when you've been remarkably independent for most of your life.
11) Your child doesn't understand...no matter what you tell him. Even though we've blamed it on the doctor and the medicine that mommy has to take so that he doesn't hate his soon-to-be sister, Nicholas doesn't understand why mommy won't play, take walks, get him dressed, give him a bath, eat dinner with him, take him to school, etc...
12) You become a child. Alex and my dad need to make sure that regardless of what they want to do there is some kind of contingency plan in place to take care of me. How will I get my lunch? Who will drive me to appts? Is there someone around in case I go into labor? Did they set out my clothes for the day?
13) Becoming a spectator in your life is appalling. I might lay in the center of the room, taking up the couch, but my life now happens around me, and often can't include me. My son's first trick-or-treat, cooking Thanksgiving dinner, decorating for Christmas, wrapping presents, taking my son to see Santa, preparing for his birthday, celebrating my birthday...even the simple things like taking Nicholas shopping for new shoes are chores that Alex feels he must do and things I would give anything to do.
14) Comfy pants are a lot less appealing when you wear them every day! I guess dress clothes are required to remind you why comfy clothes are so wonderful.
15) At this point I am physically incapable of caring for myself, let alone a toddler and soon to be a newborn- and this is a disturbing and frightening fact. I get dizzy just from standing up. I have not walked up steps in 78 days. And this is all before I have a big surgery to recover from.
16) I feel like a failure. Why am I so terrible at being pregnant?!? The hemorrhaging and subsequent preterm delivery the first time may have been a freak occurrence...but why preterm labor this time at 23.5 weeks?!? It seems like this is something my body was supposed to be designed to do...apparently not. And it feels terrible.
I'm sure I have learned lots of other things over the past 78 days...but my forgetful pregnancy brain is having a hard time putting them down on paper. Plus, for all the hard lessons I've learned I can't lose site of the fact that my daughter is still where she belongs 11 weeks after this whole mess started...and that has been the ultimate goal all along. Because when push comes to shove, I'll take months of bedrest over 7 agonizing weeks in the NICU anyday. My job is to incubate this little girl and give her every chance possible of being born healthy...and while I was unable to do that working, standing on my feet, and going about life as usual, I guess I've done a decent job at doing nothing. And it's a nothing I hope to never do again!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Happy Birthday, Baby!
At 5:30am I awoke to the sounds of my son yelling, 'Happy Birthday, Nick-Nick!'
Yes, he referred to himself in the third person, but for the last week at school they have been prepping his class to say 'Happy Birthday, Nick-Nick' on this very special day! And he couldn't be more excited! He is so proud of the fact that he knows he is 2 (and will tell you so!), he is beyond excited for his 'pah-tae' (like potty, with an 'A' sound at the end) at school, and he knows how to sing 'Happy Birthday' to himself! A shiny birthday helium balloon was the source of endless entertainment this morning- thank you, Dollar Store!- and our big plans for tonight include pizza and ice cream cake! Yes, there will be a few presents, but his excitement this morning had nothing to do with gifts, or wrapping paper, or money. It was the pure joy of a now 2 year old boy because today is special- it's HIS day!
And today is a big day for Alex and me, too. Actually, it's a big day for anyone who knows and loves our son and was around for or knows about his rough start 2 years ago. There were multiple occasions in that first month of life that we didn't know if we would make it to 2 months, let alone 2 years! But here we are...with an energetic, wild man of a toddler singing himself 'Happy Birthday' and asking what time his party is!
Our son is a miracle, a survivor, and a gift...the best gift Alex and I could've hoped for! And soon he will have another title- Big Brother. And while I'm not sure he will initially think that's such a good gift, and will probably ask us to take it back, I'm sure over time he will rise to the challenge- as he's risen to every challenge so far. He already knows he's having a sister, he knows her name, where her room is, and will 'give baby kisses'- planting them on my belly! But on some days he's had enough of this baby talk and will lift up my shirt and say 'bye bye baby' or 'put it away now'. I don't think he understands that baby will actually come out at some point and come home to live with us...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!
Today is a day for celebrating! It's Nick's day! Celebrating the past 2 years of accomplishments, joy, and yes, even the tears! It's a day for looking back but also looking forward- forward to many more years of love, laughter, and happiness! I can't put into words what a wild ride these 2 years have been and I can't begin to describe how much I love my son! So rather than try, I'll just use his words-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NICK-NICK!!
Yes, he referred to himself in the third person, but for the last week at school they have been prepping his class to say 'Happy Birthday, Nick-Nick' on this very special day! And he couldn't be more excited! He is so proud of the fact that he knows he is 2 (and will tell you so!), he is beyond excited for his 'pah-tae' (like potty, with an 'A' sound at the end) at school, and he knows how to sing 'Happy Birthday' to himself! A shiny birthday helium balloon was the source of endless entertainment this morning- thank you, Dollar Store!- and our big plans for tonight include pizza and ice cream cake! Yes, there will be a few presents, but his excitement this morning had nothing to do with gifts, or wrapping paper, or money. It was the pure joy of a now 2 year old boy because today is special- it's HIS day!
And today is a big day for Alex and me, too. Actually, it's a big day for anyone who knows and loves our son and was around for or knows about his rough start 2 years ago. There were multiple occasions in that first month of life that we didn't know if we would make it to 2 months, let alone 2 years! But here we are...with an energetic, wild man of a toddler singing himself 'Happy Birthday' and asking what time his party is!
Our son is a miracle, a survivor, and a gift...the best gift Alex and I could've hoped for! And soon he will have another title- Big Brother. And while I'm not sure he will initially think that's such a good gift, and will probably ask us to take it back, I'm sure over time he will rise to the challenge- as he's risen to every challenge so far. He already knows he's having a sister, he knows her name, where her room is, and will 'give baby kisses'- planting them on my belly! But on some days he's had enough of this baby talk and will lift up my shirt and say 'bye bye baby' or 'put it away now'. I don't think he understands that baby will actually come out at some point and come home to live with us...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!
Today is a day for celebrating! It's Nick's day! Celebrating the past 2 years of accomplishments, joy, and yes, even the tears! It's a day for looking back but also looking forward- forward to many more years of love, laughter, and happiness! I can't put into words what a wild ride these 2 years have been and I can't begin to describe how much I love my son! So rather than try, I'll just use his words-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NICK-NICK!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
What A Christmas Weekend!
Christmas Eve started out very promising...my brother got in from Chicago without delay (possibly the first time ever!), my parents were here, Alex was home from work, and Nicholas knew that Santa was on his way. I was in my usual position of the last 9 weeks- on the couch- just watching all of the action around me. Alex and Nicholas decided to bake cookies for Santa- which went well until we informed Nicholas that the cookies needed to be baked before you ate them. This prompted a toddler meltdown of epic proportions! But we got things calmed down and managed to enjoy a lovely Christmas Eve dinner before all hell truly broke loose!
15 minutes after finishing dinner I got sick...really sick. The 'I just got hit by a train' kind of sick. Nausea, severe abdominal pain, and lots of other unpleasantness which I'll refrain from describing. I was determined to tough it out b/c it was Christmas Eve but things seemed to only get worse instead of better. By the time I was doubled over in pain and having bloody diarrhea, the family decided it was time to go to the ER. Thankfully Nick was asleep so he didn't know mommy had to go to the hospital...again.
At the hospital things went from bad to worse. In addition to the intestinal distress, I started contracting. And not just sporadically...pretty regularly...occurring about every 5 minutes. So while I prepared to spend Christmas in the hospital- and miss Nicholas opening his presents- they started the IV, took blood, gave meds, and we waited. And waited. And waited. Thankfully as I got my fluids and the meds kicked in the contractions stopped. Then we got our Christmas miracle- they were sending us home!
We got home at 3:30am Christmas morning exhausted and scared. I was still pretty sore and uncomfortable but beyond thrilled that I was going to be able to participate in Christmas morning. Nicholas woke up at 6:15- having no idea of the overnight events- and was ready to experience this thing called Christmas. My heart almost exploded with emotion as my son bypassed a beautifully lit tree with loads of presents both around and underneath it, came up to the couch, threw his arms around me and said 'merry christmas, mommy! i love you!'. At that point, my emotions got the best of me and I cried...and cried...and laughed, covering him with kisses and telling him how much I loved him, too. The rest of the morning went smoothly and experiencing the joy of Christmas through the eyes of an almost 2 year old is truly magic! He was so captivated by every toy he unwrapped that he forgot about the rest of the pile. He had to be gently prodded to put down each new toy after about 10 minutes of playing in order to continue opening presents- or else we may still be unwrapping gifts! The fact that he loved all of it- and didn't even realize, or care, that there was more was unbelievable (and I'm sure not to be repeated for quite some time!)!
By noon, mother nature was in the Christmas spirit and the snow started. And it snowed and snowed- accumulating about 7 inches by the time all was said and done. This led to a post Christmas celebration of snow balls and snow angels! It also meant that my parents were staying for one more day as they were advising people to stay off the roads. (On the down side it meant Alex's mom would be forced to change her travel plans as the east coast was slammed with a blizzard! But the plan is for her to arrive later this week!)
All in all, it was not a wonderful Christmas in the traditional sense. Most people don't plan on illness, trips to the ER, or bedrest. But I've learned that sometimes you have to throw tradition out the window in order to enjoy and appreciate what is- not what you had planned. Never in my life have I so enjoyed watching someone else open presents or play with toys. I've never cried with joy on Christmas morning b/c someone told me they loved me. I had my family here and I was able to watch as my son experienced the wonder of Christmas, and a white Christmas at that! I'm still pregnant, which is all I had asked Santa for...so while it may not have been traditional, it was wonderful all the same!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
31 and 6
This post may seem to have a strange title, but if you've ever been pregnant, practiced medicine (particularly OB or prenatal care), or been around those who are pregnant or in medicine you know that we refer to pregnancies by the number of weeks and days that have passed- with a goal of 40 weeks. Anything past 37 is full term, anything above 24 is considered that horrible word- viable (although anyone will tell you that 28 is statistically much better for survival), and anything past 13 is at a much lower risk of miscarriage.
So now that you're up to speed on that little OB tutorial, why the title 31 and 6?? That's when Nicholas was born nearly 2 years ago and that's where we are today. Again, it's a little too much deja vu all over again. Especially after our appt yesterday where we found that my cervix is shortening despite bedrest and she most likely will also come early. In fact, the doctor told me that my body 'just isn't meant to carry babies past 32 weeks'. Now, what am I supposed to do with that information?!? I've been getting weekly injections since 18 weeks to prevent preterm labor, I've been on bedrest and medicine since 24 and 4, and I'm not exactly sure what else I can do- short of hanging me completely upside down to avoid any sort of gravitational effect.
But all kidding aside, yesterday's news unleashed a wave of emotions that I apparently have been suppressing. Panic at what may be in store for my daughter if she too arrives before 32 weeks, anger at the likelihood that I will again be robbed of a 'normal' delivery experience (meaning I will likely again be discharged from the hospital with my baby still in the NICU), disappointment that despite all my efforts at doing nothing things are progressing outside of anyone's control, and frustration that this is all too familiar. I cried like a baby yesterday afternoon and other than our immediate family, we kept the news to ourselves. They mentioned the possibility of re-admitting me to the hospital, which set off another breakdown as I thought about missing Nick's Christmas morning and possibly his birthday, too. They told me everything depended on 1 test- the FFN- which predicts the likelihood of delivery in the next 2 weeks. Waiting for that phone call was not easy or pleasant. Luckily, the test was negative. Which means I'm still at home, not in the hospital, and hopefully that will get our little girl close to 34 weeks. At that point she'd still be a NICU baby but would have a much better chance at being healthy.
There was some other good news yesterday- she's a big girl! She's measuring a week ahead and is in the ~90th percentile, weighing in at 4lbs 7 ozs (her brother was 4lbs 9 ozs when he was 31 and 6). Her size will only be an asset to her if she comes early...so thank goodness I tend to grow them big! Our friend, Nurse Katie, will tell you that Nicholas was the gentle giant of the NICU compared to his very tiny friends! (although if you saw him back then, the word giant is all relative!)
So I'm trying to stay positive- although that task is getting harder and harder. The FFN was negative, 34 weeks is possible at this point, and she's big. Those are the things I must hang my hat on. If I get too caught up in the other stuff I'm afraid it's a path of despair that would be hard to come back from. But I will again grieve the loss of normalcy- the fact that my cute maternity clothes did not get worn, the fact that I again could not decorate a nursery or wash her precious little baby clothes (thanks mom and dad!), that I can't do the whole 'nesting' thing- or anything at all- and I will never have that opportunity. This will be our 2nd and last pregnancy b/c 1 complicated pregnancy and preterm birth is a fluke, 2 is a pattern, and we're not going to prove a point by attempting number 3! Some say that the 3rd time is a charm. Well my husband is a baseball coach and we abide by the '3 strikes and you're out' rule of thumb. So in addition to a Csection there will also be a tubal- and the Tabori baby factory will be closed for business. And while I'm not sure why, the thought of it makes me sad. Sad, but not crazy enough to try this nonsense again! If bedrest is hard with one child running around needing his mommy, I can't imagine what it would be like with 2!
So tomorrow is one step closer...and if she's already competing with her older brother, a victory. It will mean she stayed in longer than he did. I've already had the conversation with her that beating him by 1 day is not nearly enough and if she wants any leverage when they're teenagers and trying to one up the other, she needs to stay in at least 3 more weeks! A month would be even better, don't you think?!? We'll see...
But seeing as how my son is labeled by many things- 31 and 6, preemie, NEC survivor, NICU graduate, motor developmental delay- I want things to be different for my daughter. Of course, I label my son differently- love of my life, pure joy, adorable, strong willed, smart...and that's what I want for my daughter. They can fight about who's cuter, smarter, or funnier later in life- but there better be one title she can lay claim to, anything past 31 and 6!
So now that you're up to speed on that little OB tutorial, why the title 31 and 6?? That's when Nicholas was born nearly 2 years ago and that's where we are today. Again, it's a little too much deja vu all over again. Especially after our appt yesterday where we found that my cervix is shortening despite bedrest and she most likely will also come early. In fact, the doctor told me that my body 'just isn't meant to carry babies past 32 weeks'. Now, what am I supposed to do with that information?!? I've been getting weekly injections since 18 weeks to prevent preterm labor, I've been on bedrest and medicine since 24 and 4, and I'm not exactly sure what else I can do- short of hanging me completely upside down to avoid any sort of gravitational effect.
But all kidding aside, yesterday's news unleashed a wave of emotions that I apparently have been suppressing. Panic at what may be in store for my daughter if she too arrives before 32 weeks, anger at the likelihood that I will again be robbed of a 'normal' delivery experience (meaning I will likely again be discharged from the hospital with my baby still in the NICU), disappointment that despite all my efforts at doing nothing things are progressing outside of anyone's control, and frustration that this is all too familiar. I cried like a baby yesterday afternoon and other than our immediate family, we kept the news to ourselves. They mentioned the possibility of re-admitting me to the hospital, which set off another breakdown as I thought about missing Nick's Christmas morning and possibly his birthday, too. They told me everything depended on 1 test- the FFN- which predicts the likelihood of delivery in the next 2 weeks. Waiting for that phone call was not easy or pleasant. Luckily, the test was negative. Which means I'm still at home, not in the hospital, and hopefully that will get our little girl close to 34 weeks. At that point she'd still be a NICU baby but would have a much better chance at being healthy.
There was some other good news yesterday- she's a big girl! She's measuring a week ahead and is in the ~90th percentile, weighing in at 4lbs 7 ozs (her brother was 4lbs 9 ozs when he was 31 and 6). Her size will only be an asset to her if she comes early...so thank goodness I tend to grow them big! Our friend, Nurse Katie, will tell you that Nicholas was the gentle giant of the NICU compared to his very tiny friends! (although if you saw him back then, the word giant is all relative!)
So I'm trying to stay positive- although that task is getting harder and harder. The FFN was negative, 34 weeks is possible at this point, and she's big. Those are the things I must hang my hat on. If I get too caught up in the other stuff I'm afraid it's a path of despair that would be hard to come back from. But I will again grieve the loss of normalcy- the fact that my cute maternity clothes did not get worn, the fact that I again could not decorate a nursery or wash her precious little baby clothes (thanks mom and dad!), that I can't do the whole 'nesting' thing- or anything at all- and I will never have that opportunity. This will be our 2nd and last pregnancy b/c 1 complicated pregnancy and preterm birth is a fluke, 2 is a pattern, and we're not going to prove a point by attempting number 3! Some say that the 3rd time is a charm. Well my husband is a baseball coach and we abide by the '3 strikes and you're out' rule of thumb. So in addition to a Csection there will also be a tubal- and the Tabori baby factory will be closed for business. And while I'm not sure why, the thought of it makes me sad. Sad, but not crazy enough to try this nonsense again! If bedrest is hard with one child running around needing his mommy, I can't imagine what it would be like with 2!
So tomorrow is one step closer...and if she's already competing with her older brother, a victory. It will mean she stayed in longer than he did. I've already had the conversation with her that beating him by 1 day is not nearly enough and if she wants any leverage when they're teenagers and trying to one up the other, she needs to stay in at least 3 more weeks! A month would be even better, don't you think?!? We'll see...
But seeing as how my son is labeled by many things- 31 and 6, preemie, NEC survivor, NICU graduate, motor developmental delay- I want things to be different for my daughter. Of course, I label my son differently- love of my life, pure joy, adorable, strong willed, smart...and that's what I want for my daughter. They can fight about who's cuter, smarter, or funnier later in life- but there better be one title she can lay claim to, anything past 31 and 6!
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