Two days ago I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday. And by celebrated i mean i spent the day on the couch, limited by my bedrest instructions. Alex tried to make it special- he taught Nicholas to say 'happy birthday, mommy', made a wonderful dinner, baked a cake, and even did the whole candle bit- but let's be real, it was kind of a bummer of a day!
That being said, I'm aware that i have much to be thankful for and much to celebrate right now! First and most importantly, I'm still pregnant and we're approaching 27 weeks!! Now that may not seem like much since 'normal' pregnancy is 40 weeks but after getting admitted prior to 24 weeks with preterm labor and a whole bunch of unanswered questions (not to mention fears!)- 27 is looking pretty good! Of course, our goal is still 34+ but we must take each day at a time!
So why am i bummed out?!? My 30th year was a good one- Nicholas is thriving, I have a new house, a job, my marriage is still wonderful, and we found out that we're having a little girl! And my 31st year will hopefully hold just as many blessings- a healthy (dare i wish for a full term?!?) daughter, Nicholas will continue to grow and amaze me daily, and once this bedrest thing is over, everything will go back to normal...right?!? And i guess that, right there, is what's bumming me out- nothing about this current situation even feels REMOTELY normal...not for me, not for Nicholas, not for Alex...not for anyone!
Let me try and explain...I don't sit still! I never have. I have always spread myself too thin, over committed to activities/events, worked too hard, 'burned the candle at both ends', blah, blah, blah. So when this whole bedrest thing came to be, it was like going from 150 mph to slamming into a brick wall! I was working full time, running Nick to and from daycare, trying to spend every possible waking minute with my son, taking call, planning for a new baby, managing a home (with tons of help from my very able husband), and trying to find a social life on top of everything else! Now my day consists of reading, crappy TV, knitting, this blog, and waiting for Nicholas to get home from daycare. I have no time constraints whatsoever! Which I thought would be glorious, but in actuality, is a bit disconcerting! No one cares what time I get out of bed, or if i get out of bed. The only things I have to do is take my medicine every 6 hours to avoid contractions! As long as i set my cell alarm for that, i'm 'good'! Oh, and once a week i have my big outing to the doctor- which as pathetic as it sounds, completely wipes me out for the rest of the day! How ridiculous is that?!? Going to the doctor makes me tired...hell, my every other day shower makes me tired! This is because i don't do anything...i don't walk around, go upstairs, or any other sort of activity that requires muscle contraction, balance or coordination! My big events for the day are when i get up to go the bathroom! (now I will say that i'm unbelievably thankful for bathroom priviledges having lost them during my second hospitalization with Nicholas!)
But I feel like a waste...my muscles are turning to jello, i get winded when i walk from the parking lot to the waiting room at the doctor's (and no, she's not crushing my ribs or lungs yet), and i can no longer do for myself, my family, and most importantly, my son. It breaks my heart when he pulls on my sleeve and says, 'mommy come upstairs' or 'mommy take me to school' or any other number of things we used to do on a regular basis that i guess i took for granted! I can't pick him up...which until 3 weeks ago was the highlight of my each and every day- picking him up, getting a bear hug from my son, and burying my head in his not quite 2 year old hair and inhaling every ounce of goodness in and around him. This is no longer possible. And to be honest, he not only doesn't understand, he's pissed at me! And I don't blame him! How do you explain to a 22 month old that mommy still loves you just as much as 3 weeks ago but can't play, pick you up, dress you, change you, take you to school, wrestle...the list goes on and on! And we have to be very careful how we explain this to him because the last thing we want him to do is blame the baby! He's already going to have a very hard time relinquishing the role of center of attention w/out blaming her for the weeks he lost with mommy before she got here!
Then there's Alex...he's now thrust into the role of basically being a single dad (with a lot of help from our now live in cook, housekeeper, babysitter, chauffeur, etc- my dad) and i know this can't be easy on him! He goes to work full time, comes home, is a wonderful hands on dad, puts Nick to bed around 8:30 and then tries to do the work that is waiting for him in the form of emails, reports, etc. I know he's exhausted! But I'm also lonely (and selfish!) and when he gets home, I want some of his time and attention. My human contact is very limited...and while my home is lovely, at times it feels like a prison! And right now, he's my only contact with the 'outside world'! He doesn't understand why I want him to recount every detail of his day when the last thing he wants to talk about is work!
Things were so much simpler when i could make myself lunch, eat dinner at the table, shower and blow dry my hair w/out timing how long i've been on my feet, interact with my son the way i used to- the way i want to, and every other daily thing i took for granted. Hell, i used to complain about laundry and cooking- now i would give anything to feel that useful, like i've accomplished something! I am in desparate need of a hair cut- as it stands right now, that will be my reward for making it to 28+ weeks! And these are the daily, mundane things that i miss...this doesn't even begin to cover the feelings i have about missing Nick's first trick-or-treat, cancelling our thanksgiving plans, missing the chance to pick out our christmas tree and decorate the house, take Nick to see Santa...the list goes on and on. Each event a painful reminder of what i'm unable to do!
Now I know that this is temporary...that god willing, after 2 1/2 months of this and a healthy baby girl, this will be forgotten (or at least fade into the background). I also know that my most important job is taking care of this little girl and trying to provide her with the best chance of being healthy (which also means getting her as close to full term) as possible! It's just beyond frustrating (and disappointing) that I apparently suck so bad at this whole being pregnant thing that i require all these special instructions- just to keep her where she belongs! I see all these other pregnant women (at the doctors and on TV since I don't go anywhere else!)- big as houses- going about their normal lives and routines and i'm so damn jealous that sometimes i cry. I want to know what is so hard about all of this, why i am an epic failure at it?!? Why can't i be that cute pregnant lady with her son out Christmas shopping!?! Again, I will pack up my maternity clothes this spring, not having worn most of them! And this time I will pack them up for friends or to sell, because the Tabori baby factory is being surgically shut down once she is here! I can't imagine placing another child at risk b/c my body is terrible at staying pregnant- and at times i feel selfish for trying a second time! But I have to trust my doctor and listen when she says 'by doing nothing, we're actually doing something!'....and hope that the something that we're doing will allow another 8-10 weeks of pregnancy and growing for my daughter!
So I guess the grass is always greener somewhere else- when I was beyond busy I wondered when i would be able to lie around and do nothing. Now that nothing is all i have to do, I would give anything to be just a little busy! Of course, there is a vast expanse of middle ground that i skipped over and i'm sure that utter contentment and happiness lies somewhere in there. That will most definitely pale in comparison to the happiness that i'm hoping for as the days and weeks continue to tick away and we await my daughter's arrival- as close to full term as possible! Until then, you'll know where to find me...and I will do my best to enjoy every minute of it, knowing that she is worth every sacrifice, and that 10+ weeks of bedrest is just a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime of healthy!
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