Oh boy...I'm not living up to my end of the bargain with Alex! He wanted 4 blogs weekly and it's been a week since my last post! Not exactly sure what the excuse is b/c my schedule isn't exactly full these days- unless you count reading, sleeping, knitting, watching TV, etc. But I've been somewhat determined to not rot my brain w/ either daytime TV or endless internet sites/games (despite my husband and my brother pleading with me to play ESPN U Be the Dean and tempting me with YouTube links! I know they're only trying to distract me but still!!) Anyway, I'm not exactly sure where the hours of each day go, but the important thing is that the days keep going and we're still pregnant!
Which is what brings me to the Thankful part! I'll be honest- I'm depressed. There, I said it. I admitted it to my mom while she was visiting over the weekend and Alex last night...and the tears finally came...LOTS of them! And to be honest, this pisses me off! I KNOW that I have a lot to be thankful for and despite the inconvenience of my current situation, it could be worse- I know this first hand having lived through it with our first pregnancy! So why despite the rational side of me trying to wage war with the emotional side of me, is the depression winning?!? I wish I knew! Most people, when down, do something to cheer themselves up- well, I'm limited in my usual go-to options. I can't exercise (although based on the appearance of my now skinny calves it seems I need to!), I can't go shopping, I can't go for a round of margaritas with the girls...I'm stuck in the house with myself and my thoughts. Which to be honest, somedays is too much to take! I worry about my future daughter almost constantly- praying that she'll be patient enough to wait and my body will be cooperative enough to allow her to stay in there. I worry about my son and hope that he doesn't hate me for my inability to be mommy the way i used to be. I worry about the financial impact that this is having on my family (which is considerable given the whole out of work for ~5 months!). I'm suddenly a worrier...and honestly, I HATE worrying!
So I'm making myself write in black and white all the things I'm thankful for- similar to when we used to give our 'Thankfulness Report' prior to our big family meal. Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays- not so much for the food (which is hard to beat!) but b/c the whole holiday focuses on family and togetherness. This year I will not be able to sit at the table with my mom or dad, my brother, my in-laws, etc- but I will have the love of my husband, son, dog, and unborn daughter in my home and that right there is enough to start my list!
- My amazing family!
- I'm still pregnant at 28 weeks, which seemed unlikely 4 weeks ago
- We're expecting a little girl!
- My son...for a million reasons I could list and a million more that I can't! He is my world!
- I am not one of the 37.5 million Americans who will be hungry this holiday season
- I will have a job when I can come back
- The kindness of others. I met a woman at a neighborhood yard sale the weekend before we went to the hospital and she has been calling and emailing me to make sure we're ok. My husband's coworkers are nothing short of amazing- for the 2nd complicated pregnancy! They send books, gift baskets, are organizing a baby shower, offer to babysit- and they barely know me! Which to me says 2 things- 1) they are incredible people and 2) my husband must be a hell of a boss for them to care at all!
- Modern medicine...not only is it my chosen career but it saved my son's life and is now working to protect my daughter
- My dog...he's a faithful companion and will play when i need a smile and cuddle when i need to cry
- The fact that I have a dad who is not just able, but willing to move in with us to cook, clean, babysit, and basically pick up where I no longer can is beyond a blessing!
- Christmas lights...it's hard to be sad when they're so pretty! It's the first year I want them up early!
- My home...and that as of Nov 30 I will only own one!!
There are so many little things that I am thankful for which are trivial compared to the blessings of health, family, kindness, and love (but they make me smile all the same!). Like salt on a margarita glass, good mexican food, sushi, the smell of pumpkin candles, hot chocolate, christmas stockings, Glamour magazine, my Uggs, sunshine, thunderstorms, the beach, the mountains, christmas cards...i could go on and on.
These are the things I must remember when my emotional side gets too depressed about our current situation. Rationally, I know I'm a lucky girl. A girl who has had to battle her share, but who hasn't?!? (If you haven't, please don't tell me...I'm not sure I could handle it right now!) And I must continue to find joy in the world around me- I always have before and I don't want to stop now! I do not want to be a cynic, I do not want to be jaded, I do not want to be a worrier. So therefor, I will keep working on my rational side and fighting some of these emotional pregnancy hormones...and I promise that before I eat my turkey on Thursday I will again give thanks, as I now do every day, for the blessings that I'm lucky enough to call mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment