My Reality

Yesterday marked 11 weeks since I started bedrest.  That's 77 days (today makes 78) that I have not been upright for longer than it takes to go to the bathroom, take a quick shower, or walk to the car to go to my weekly doctor's appointment.  That's 78 days that my muscles have basically served no purpose, that I have not picked up my son, that I have not eaten at a table, since I have driven a car...the list goes on and on.  But it's also 78 days closer to a full term and hopefully healthy baby girl- which 11 weeks ago seemed an impossibility.

Over the course of these 78 days, I have heard a lot of stupid things.  'bedrest...that would be awesome!'  ummm, no.  'I would love to do nothing all day'  not when that's all you are able to do.  'how hard is it to just lay there?'  it's not...assuming your brain is also not functioning and you have nothing else you want or need to be doing!  But worse than all the stupid things I've heard (and I could go on and on!) is the deafening silence from friends and colleagues that don't know what to say- so they say nothing at all.  We had a similar situation 2 years ago when Nicholas was fighting for his life in the NICU.  People must figure silence is better than saying something wrong.  I'm not labeling this as right or wrong...it just is.  But it is also extremely lonely and very isolating- especially when your world has been confined to the walls of your own home for 78 days.  There's no one to talk to, no one to meet for lunch or shopping, no one to work out with...pretty much there's just no one.

So below is a list I have compiled of what a reality on bedrest is really like...it is not comprehensive or all inclusive, just things I have learned over the last 78 days.

1) Bedrest is anything but restful- you spend most of your time worrying about your unborn baby, if work is upset with you for all the time you're missing, what you're going to do about all the money you're losing by not working, how you can make up all this time to your precious little boy who doesn't understand why suddenly one day mommy won't play, how this is straining your relationship with your husband who now does everything, how your ass is turning to jello, etc, etc, etc....

2) Breakfast in bed may be nice once in awhile, but breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed on a daily basis is torture.  Meal times are the time you are supposed to connect with your family and talk about your day.  Well, my days are always the same and I'm unable to sit with my family and share that time with them.

3) Daytime TV is atrocious!  On the days I do give in and watch b/c I'm beyond bored I can feel myself losing IQ points.  How do people watch this crap?!?

4) You can only read, knit, play games, watch TV, etc for so long before you lose interest in any and all of it.  Monotony is maddening!

5) Having your husband shave your legs can be romantic if a) they're already nicely shaved, b) it's in the setting of a romantic weekend or bubble bath or vacation, etc.  It is most definitely NOT hot when it's by necessity b/c people are mistaking you for an animal that is preparing to hibernate!

6) Showering is a luxury no one should ever take for granted!  It is not pleasant to take a shower 2-3x/week and even less pleasant to need a chaperone to make sure you don't pass out b/c you get dizzy when you stand!

7) Skinny calves due to inactivity may be nice, but not when you have to also take the jiggly thighs and ass that come with them!

8) You should never be tired from going to the doctor...ever!  This is not a (physically) strenuous event by any stretch of the imagination!

9) My tail bone is freaking killing me!  Sitting up would be greatly appreciated!

10) At first it sounds ideal to have someone else cooking, cleaning, doing your laundry, taking care of your child- but it's not.  The forced dependence on someone for things you used to do for yourself is not only frustrating but it's depressing.  Especially when you've been remarkably independent for most of your life.

11) Your child doesn't understand...no matter what you tell him.  Even though we've blamed it on the doctor and the medicine that mommy has to take so that he doesn't hate his soon-to-be sister, Nicholas doesn't understand why mommy won't play, take walks, get him dressed, give him a bath, eat dinner with him, take him to school, etc...

12) You become a child.  Alex and my dad need to make sure that regardless of what they want to do there is some kind of contingency plan in place to take care of me.  How will I get my lunch?  Who will drive me to appts?  Is there someone around in case I go into labor?  Did they set out my clothes for the day?

13) Becoming a spectator in your life is appalling.  I might lay in the center of the room, taking up the couch, but my life now happens around me, and often can't include me.  My son's first trick-or-treat, cooking Thanksgiving dinner, decorating for Christmas, wrapping presents, taking my son to see Santa, preparing for his birthday, celebrating my birthday...even the simple things like taking Nicholas shopping for new shoes are chores that Alex feels he must do and things I would give anything to do.

14) Comfy pants are a lot less appealing when you wear them every day!  I guess dress clothes are required to remind you why comfy clothes are so wonderful.

15) At this point I am physically incapable of caring for myself, let alone a toddler and soon to be a newborn- and this is a disturbing and frightening fact.  I get dizzy just from standing up.  I have not walked up steps in 78 days.  And this is all before I have a big surgery to recover from.

16) I feel like a failure.  Why am I so terrible at being pregnant?!?  The hemorrhaging and subsequent preterm delivery the first time may have been a freak occurrence...but why preterm labor this time at 23.5 weeks?!?  It seems like this is something my body was supposed to be designed to do...apparently not.  And it feels terrible.

I'm sure I have learned lots of other things over the past 78 days...but my forgetful pregnancy brain is having a hard time putting them down on paper.  Plus, for all the hard lessons I've learned I can't lose site of the fact that my daughter is still where she belongs 11 weeks after this whole mess started...and that has been the ultimate goal all along.  Because when push comes to shove, I'll take months of bedrest over 7 agonizing weeks in the NICU anyday.  My job is to incubate this little girl and give her every chance possible of being born healthy...and while I was unable to do that working, standing on my feet, and going about life as usual, I guess I've done a decent job at doing nothing.  And it's a nothing I hope to never do again!