What A Christmas Weekend!

Christmas Eve started out very promising...my brother got in from Chicago without delay (possibly the first time ever!), my parents were here, Alex was home from work, and Nicholas knew that Santa was on his way.  I was in my usual position of the last 9 weeks- on the couch- just watching all of the action around me.  Alex and Nicholas decided to bake cookies for Santa- which went well until we informed Nicholas that the cookies needed to be baked before you ate them.  This prompted a toddler meltdown of epic proportions!  But we got things calmed down and managed to enjoy a lovely Christmas Eve dinner before all hell truly broke loose!

 

15 minutes after finishing dinner I got sick...really sick.  The 'I just got hit by a train' kind of sick.  Nausea, severe abdominal pain, and lots of other unpleasantness which I'll refrain from describing.  I was determined to tough it out b/c it was Christmas Eve but things seemed to only get worse instead of better.  By the time I was doubled over in pain and having bloody diarrhea, the family decided it was time to go to the ER.  Thankfully Nick was asleep so he didn't know mommy had to go to the hospital...again.

At the hospital things went from bad to worse.  In addition to the intestinal distress, I started contracting.  And not just sporadically...pretty regularly...occurring about every 5 minutes.  So while I prepared to spend Christmas in the hospital- and miss Nicholas opening his presents- they started the IV, took blood, gave meds, and we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Thankfully as I got my fluids and the meds kicked in the contractions stopped.  Then we got our Christmas miracle- they were sending us home!

We got home at 3:30am Christmas morning exhausted and scared.  I was still pretty sore and uncomfortable but beyond thrilled that I was going to be able to participate in Christmas morning.  Nicholas woke up at 6:15- having no idea of the overnight events- and was ready to experience this thing called Christmas.  My heart almost exploded with emotion as my son bypassed a beautifully lit tree with loads of presents both around and underneath it, came up to the couch, threw his arms around me and said 'merry christmas, mommy!  i love you!'.  At that point, my emotions got the best of me and I cried...and cried...and laughed, covering him with kisses and telling him how much I loved him, too.  The rest of the morning went smoothly and experiencing the joy of Christmas through the eyes of an almost 2 year old is truly magic!  He was so captivated by every toy he unwrapped that he forgot about the rest of the pile.  He had to be gently prodded to put down each new toy after about 10 minutes of playing in order to continue opening presents- or else we may still be unwrapping gifts!  The fact that he loved all of it- and didn't even realize, or care, that there was more was unbelievable (and I'm sure not to be repeated for quite some time!)!

By noon, mother nature was in the Christmas spirit and the snow started.  And it snowed and snowed- accumulating about 7 inches by the time all was said and done.  This led to a post Christmas celebration of snow balls and snow angels!  It also meant that my parents were staying for one more day as they were advising people to stay off the roads.  (On the down side it meant Alex's mom would be forced to change her travel plans as the east coast was slammed with a blizzard!  But the plan is for her to arrive later this week!)

All in all, it was not a wonderful Christmas in the traditional sense.  Most people don't plan on illness, trips to the ER, or bedrest.  But I've learned that sometimes you have to throw tradition out the window in order to enjoy and appreciate what is- not what you had planned.  Never in my life have I so enjoyed watching someone else open presents or play with toys.  I've never cried with joy on Christmas morning b/c someone told me they loved me.  I had my family here and I was able to watch as my son experienced the wonder of Christmas, and a white Christmas at that!  I'm still pregnant, which is all I had asked Santa for...so while it may not have been traditional, it was wonderful all the same!

31 and 6

This post may seem to have a strange title, but if you've ever been pregnant, practiced medicine (particularly OB or prenatal care), or been around those who are pregnant or in medicine you know that we refer to pregnancies by the number of weeks and days that have passed- with a goal of 40 weeks.  Anything past 37 is full term, anything above 24 is considered that horrible word- viable (although anyone will tell you that 28 is statistically much better for survival), and anything past 13 is at a much lower risk of miscarriage.

So now that you're up to speed on that little OB tutorial, why the title 31 and 6??  That's when Nicholas was born nearly 2 years ago and that's where we are today.  Again, it's a little too much deja vu all over again.  Especially after our appt yesterday where we found that my cervix is shortening despite bedrest and she most likely will also come early.  In fact, the doctor told me that my body 'just isn't meant to carry babies past 32 weeks'.  Now, what am I supposed to do with that information?!?  I've been getting weekly injections since 18 weeks to prevent preterm labor, I've been on bedrest and medicine since 24 and 4, and I'm not exactly sure what else I can do- short of hanging me completely upside down to avoid any sort of gravitational effect.

But all kidding aside, yesterday's news unleashed a wave of emotions that I apparently have been suppressing.  Panic at what may be in store for my daughter if she too arrives before 32 weeks, anger at the likelihood that I will again be robbed of a 'normal' delivery experience (meaning I will likely again be discharged from the hospital with my baby still in the NICU), disappointment that despite all my efforts at doing nothing things are progressing outside of anyone's control, and frustration that this is all too familiar.  I cried like a baby yesterday afternoon and other than our immediate family, we kept the news to ourselves.  They mentioned the possibility of re-admitting me to the hospital, which set off another breakdown as I thought about missing Nick's Christmas morning and possibly his birthday, too.  They told me everything depended on 1 test- the FFN- which predicts the likelihood of delivery in the next 2 weeks.  Waiting for that phone call was not easy or pleasant.  Luckily, the test was negative.  Which means I'm still at home, not in the hospital, and hopefully that will get our little girl close to 34 weeks.  At that point she'd still be a NICU baby but would have a much better chance at being healthy.

There was some other good news yesterday- she's a big girl!  She's measuring a week ahead and is in the ~90th percentile, weighing in at 4lbs 7 ozs (her brother was 4lbs 9 ozs when he was 31 and 6).  Her size will only be an asset to her if she comes early...so thank goodness I tend to grow them big!  Our friend, Nurse Katie, will tell you that Nicholas was the gentle giant of the NICU compared to his very tiny friends!  (although if you saw him back then, the word giant is all relative!)

So I'm trying to stay positive- although that task is getting harder and harder.  The FFN was negative, 34 weeks is possible at this point, and she's big.  Those are the things I must hang my hat on.  If I get too caught up in the other stuff I'm afraid it's a path of despair that would be hard to come back from.  But I will again grieve the loss of normalcy- the fact that my cute maternity clothes did not get worn, the fact that I again could not decorate a nursery or wash her precious little baby clothes (thanks mom and dad!), that I can't do the whole 'nesting' thing- or anything at all- and I will never have that opportunity.  This will be our 2nd and last pregnancy b/c 1 complicated pregnancy and preterm birth is a fluke, 2 is a pattern, and we're not going to prove a point by attempting number 3!  Some say that the 3rd time is a charm.  Well my husband is a baseball coach and we abide by the '3 strikes and you're out' rule of thumb.  So in addition to a Csection there will also be a tubal- and the Tabori baby factory will be closed for business.  And while I'm not sure why, the thought of it makes me sad.  Sad, but not crazy enough to try this nonsense again!  If bedrest is hard with one child running around needing his mommy, I can't imagine what it would be like with 2!

So tomorrow is one step closer...and if she's already competing with her older brother, a victory.  It will mean she stayed in longer than he did.  I've already had the conversation with her that beating him by 1 day is not nearly enough and if she wants any leverage when they're teenagers and trying to one up the other, she needs to stay in at least 3 more weeks!  A month would be even better, don't you think?!?  We'll see...

But seeing as how my son is labeled by many things- 31 and 6, preemie, NEC survivor, NICU graduate, motor developmental delay- I want things to be different for my daughter.  Of course, I label my son differently- love of my life, pure joy, adorable, strong willed, smart...and that's what I want for my daughter.  They can fight about who's cuter, smarter, or funnier later in life- but there better be one title she can lay claim to, anything past 31 and 6!

A Strange Anniversary

Today is December 17th...which in the scope of world history is not a memorable day (that I know of!).  But for me and my family, it is a day that we'll never forget.

Everyone has a day that changes them.  Not a small, superficial change or a change in status- like a graduation or a promotion- but something that profoundly changes them.  Something changes inside them and they know they will never look at the world the same way again.  Some people have these life altering experiences early- too young- and are never quite the same.  Others do not experience them until late in life.  Well mine occurred two years ago, Dec 17th, 2008.  And it's a day that I will never, ever forget.

It started out normally enough.  I was a 3rd year family medicine resident on my geriatric rotation and had spent the day in the Nursing Home.  I was 29 weeks pregnant with my first child and Alex and I spent the evening assembling our son's new changing table.  After that I ended the evening on the phone with my friend, Maura, before heading to bed.  My biggest concern was a few problem patients that I had seen on my clinic schedule for the next morning.  Everything was as normal as could be.

Then at 2am I awoke from a dead sleep after feeling a gush of fluid between my legs and knew that something was wrong...terribly wrong.  I was right.  I ran to the bathroom and discovered I was hemorrhaging- and there was a lot of blood.  I could barely speak above a panicked whisper but that was all it took to get my husband out of bed- 'Alex....'

We drove to the hospital not knowing what was happening.  Was the baby ok?  That was my primary concern.  I knew it was too early and that having the baby at this point was extremely risky and not likely to go well.  Strangely enough, I wasn't at all concerned for me or the amount of blood I was losing- that seemed to be a non-issue.  Once we were at the hospital no one else seemed to know what was going on either.  We saw a lot of nurses who kept asking the same questions- any problems with the pregnancy, any medical issues, had i done anything out of the ordinary that night- no, No, NO!  Then the nurse practitioner came in and after doing an exam said 'well that's not what you want to see at 29 weeks' and walked out to call the doctor on call.  Alex and I were beyond hysterical at that point and had no answers- only questions and terrible fears- and no one was being even remotely reassuring that things were going to be ok.

Well now that it's 2 years later and we know how the story ends- with a wonderful baby boy who was born 3 weeks later- it's somewhat easier to talk about...but not much.  There were additional hemorrhages, an emergency Csection, and a horribly complicated NICU stay...all of which have their own dates and time stamps in my memory.  My second hemmorhage was Jan 2, my son was born Jan 5, he got deathly ill on 1/25 and then again on 1/30, and he finally came home on 2/23.  But it was on December 17th that the wheels began to turn and a series of life changing events were set into motion.  So this is the date that I identify as my life changing moment.

And how has it changed me?  I no longer take anything for granted- not a single second or moment.  We had 29 weeks of the easiest pregnancy in the world and I just assumed that's how it was supposed to be- not stopping to be thankful or even consider there was another option.  And then the bottom fell out.  (And I can tell you that is definitely NOT how it was supposed to be!)  But now I treasure every smile, every laugh, even every tantrum b/c I know how close we were to not having any of it.

I'm now a worrier.  This is not something I'm proud of and I hate worrying, but it's the truth.  I worry about the 'what ifs', the 'worst case scenarios', and all of those other things that I never used to give a second thought to.  My thoughts often keep me up at nights b/c I can't turn my brain off.  This is not anything that I'm used to and will probably never get used to it!

I'm an advocate.  I used to donate to causes and charities but thankfully I had never really been touched by something so personally that I felt the need to take up the cause.  Now I not only donate to the March of Dimes but I participate in their events and have been approached about speaking to others about our experiences.  I'm determined that people will stop viewing prematurity as a mistake or failure on the part of the mother (although don't think I don't feel that way every single day!).  I did not smoke cigarettes, use drugs, drink alcohol, avoid prenatal care, participate in extreme sports, or do anything else that would have put me or my unborn child at risk and the suggestion or insinuation that I did is not only insulting and infuriating, it's emotionally damaging.  I did everything I could for my child and loved him so much I was willing to die for him on that day, and subsequent others- as are many other mothers.  So those that suggest otherwise need to be educated on prematurity and the devastating consequences and stop casting blame.  (they would probably also benefit from a good ass kicking but that is most likely not an option!)

The one thing that did not change is my faith in something good.  Yes, we got a bum deal...and the second time around is not going according to plan either...but it's impossible to live through something like that and now see my son smile and think that life isn't good.  Of course I've been dreading this day...which is irrational b/c it's just a day...but I'm once again in the midst of a high risk pregnancy at 31 weeks and it just seemed too much like deja vu all over again.  But again, I must realize that I'm doing everything I can for her and leave the rest up to the powers that be...which was not easy 2 years ago and is not easy today.  But I have to take a deep breath and remember that 'this too shall pass'...and in 12 hours, it will be Dec 18th!

The Holiday Letter

So it figures...the one year I don't include a holiday letter in the Christmas card multiple people have called asking where it is!  To be honest, I didn't write one this year for a few reasons.  1) bed rest prevented me from getting out and buying the cute holiday paper, 2) Alex told me they're stupid and that no one reads them, 3) our printer is out of ink and buying a new cartridge hasn't been on our radar.  But due to popular demand, here is the Tabori Holiday Letter (minus the postage and Christmas card!)

Happy Holidays 2010!

Another year has flown by and once again the tree is up, the lights are on, and the Christmas specials are on TV.  This year is the most exciting we've had in quite awhile because Nicholas is in awe of all things sparkling and glittering.  Turning on the tree lights is a daily ritual that brings the same level of excitement as it did the very first time.  Decorating the tree was an interesting challenge b/c as Alex wrapped the lights around it, Nicholas followed behind and unwrapped them just as efficiently- handing them back to Alex saying, 'here daddy- lights!'  We had to delay the actual ornament hanging until nap time since that had disaster written all over it!  But the day was as perfect as a little boy could hope for- he picked out the tree with daddy and grandpa, Pandora played the Christmas music (we realized we have no holiday CDs- which we will remedy for next year!), and mother nature even did her part by contributing 3 inches of snow in an unusual early December North Carolina storm.  The only thing that put a damper on the occasion was of course, mommy's bed rest.  But in the season of Santa Claus, animated specials on TV, lights on trees, and cookies- all is well in the world of an almost 2 year old!

The rest of the year was full of big changes.  We moved into our new house in early April and are very happy here.  Nicholas loves the neighborhood park and pool and Alex and I are slowly making friends with our new neighbors.  It took 9 months and a disaster of a closing to sell our old house, but as of December 3rd we again only own one house!  Thank goodness!  After all that, we plan on staying here for a LONG time!

In June we found out we were expecting again- this time a little girl!  We were very excited, although very nervous considering all we went through with Nicholas.  Right after we told Nicholas he was going to be a big brother, he achieved the very big brother milestone of walking!  We could not have been more proud of him!  After 18 months it was well worth the wait!

Our pregnancy fears were realized when I was hospitalized on Oct 25th with preterm labor just shy of 24 weeks...it seemed like deja vu all over again.  But we had to remind ourselves that this was different- and not destined to have a bad outcome.  Well that was 7 1/2 weeks ago and each day we get closer to full term and a hopefully healthy baby girl!  Our official due date is Feb 17th but since she is a repeat C section she won't go past Feb 10th, even if everything goes perfectly.  As long as she holds out until 2011 we'll be quite pleased!

As for work- it's work.  Alex is finding that being the boss is harder than advertised but I think he enjoys it (for the most part!).  Due to his promotion and his job as daddy, he has mostly had to give up on coaching baseball but still goes as he is able.  I don't think he'll ever be able to completely give it up!  I'm still working on building my practice and the unplanned time off sorta threw a wrench in things- but I'll worry about that when I go back in the spring.  I just hope my patients will stick it out with me and return when I do!

In a season when so many have so little, we are very thankful for our many blessings!  Nicholas is a joy and watching him grow, develop, and learn each and every day is an honor and privilege!  If you would've told me 2 years ago it was possible to love someone or something this much, I would've thought it impossible!  But each day we only love him more!  And with a new baby on the way it's hard to imagine that a heart can hold that much love...but we're looking forward to it!  We also look forward to sharing more special moments with all of you, our friends, whom we also count among our blessings!  So we hope 2010 was a good year for you and those close to you and that 2011 will be full of health and happiness!

Much Love!

'Tis the Season!

'Tis the season for giving...and getting!  Hopefully with the help of Shutterfly, I'll be doing both!  They have this fantastic promotion that if you blog about their 2010 Holiday Cards (which are absolutely fantastic!) you have the chance to get 50 free cards!  And I LOVE Christmas cards!  And seeing as how I'm now out of work, I'll be taking advantage of every promotion I can find- and that means you may actually get a Tabori Christmas Card!

I've used Shutterfly before for their absolutely adorable photo books (it's the only baby book I've done for Nicholas and he's about to be 2!!) but I've never taken advantage of their cards and stationary!  Last year the Holidays somehow crept up on us and I was too late to order any...and before that, we figured no one wanted to look at a picture of just Alex and me!  But now w/ our absolutely adorable and camera loving little boy...we've got plenty to share!

The only problem will be picking out the right card!  If you look at their site they have about a billion options- ranging from 1 photo to 10!!!  And they have price ranges that will suite almost anyone!  My personal favorites are the cards that have 3-4 pictures on them.  I feel that one picture is too much pressure to pick 'the perfect shot' and my ADD kicks in when confronted with 8-10 photos...so 3-4 is perfect!  Check out a few of my favorites:

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-holiday-cards/holiday-berries-christmas-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards/snow-flurries-scarlet-christmas-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/retro-snowflake-ribbon-holiday-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-holiday-cards/dotted-collage-christmas-card-5x7-flat

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards/snowflake-wishes-cranberry-holiday-5x7-photo-card-5x7-photo

Check them all out for yourself at

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards

Along with an array of photo calendars

http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars

and photo mugs (perfect for the grandparents!!)

http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs

The hardest part now should be picking your favorite!  I know I'm going to enjoy looking through our pictures and putting together the perfect holiday memory...you may even get one in the mail!

Very Thankful

Oh boy...I'm not living up to my end of the bargain with Alex!  He wanted 4 blogs weekly and it's been a week since my last post!  Not exactly sure what the excuse is b/c my schedule isn't exactly full these days- unless you count reading, sleeping, knitting, watching TV, etc.  But I've been somewhat determined to not rot my brain w/ either daytime TV or endless internet sites/games (despite my husband and my brother pleading with me to play ESPN U Be the Dean and tempting me with YouTube links!  I know they're only trying to distract me but still!!)  Anyway, I'm not exactly sure where the hours of each day go, but the important thing is that the days keep going and we're still pregnant!

Which is what brings me to the Thankful part!  I'll be honest- I'm depressed.  There, I said it.  I admitted it to my mom while she was visiting over the weekend and Alex last night...and the tears finally came...LOTS of them!  And to be honest, this pisses me off!  I KNOW that I have a lot to be thankful for and despite the inconvenience of my current situation, it could be worse- I know this first hand having lived through it with our first pregnancy!  So why despite the rational side of me trying to wage war with the emotional side of me, is the depression winning?!?  I wish I knew!  Most people, when down, do something to cheer themselves up- well, I'm limited in my usual go-to options.  I can't exercise (although based on the appearance of my now skinny calves it seems I need to!), I can't go shopping, I can't go for a round of margaritas with the girls...I'm stuck in the house with myself and my thoughts.  Which to be honest, somedays is too much to take!  I worry about my future daughter almost constantly- praying that she'll be patient enough to wait and my body will be cooperative enough to allow her to stay in there.  I worry about my son and hope that he doesn't hate me for my inability to be mommy the way i used to be.  I worry about the financial impact that this is having on my family (which is considerable given the whole out of work for ~5 months!).  I'm suddenly a worrier...and honestly, I HATE worrying!

So I'm making myself write in black and white all the things I'm thankful for- similar to when we used to give our 'Thankfulness Report' prior to our big family meal.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays- not so much for the food (which is hard to beat!) but b/c the whole holiday focuses on family and togetherness.  This year I will not be able to sit at the table with my mom or dad, my brother, my in-laws, etc- but I will have the love of my husband, son, dog, and unborn daughter in my home and that right there is enough to start my list!

- My amazing family!
- I'm still pregnant at 28 weeks, which seemed unlikely 4 weeks ago
- We're expecting a little girl!
- My son...for a million reasons I could list and a million more that I can't!  He is my world!
- I am not one of the 37.5 million Americans who will be hungry this holiday season
- I will have a job when I can come back
- The kindness of others.  I met a woman at a neighborhood yard sale the weekend before we went to the hospital and she has been calling and emailing me to make sure we're ok.  My husband's coworkers are nothing short of amazing- for the 2nd complicated pregnancy!  They send books, gift baskets, are organizing a baby shower, offer to babysit- and they barely know me!  Which to me says 2 things- 1) they are incredible people and 2) my husband must be a hell of a boss for them to care at all!
- Modern medicine...not only is it my chosen career but it saved my son's life and is now working to protect my daughter
- My dog...he's a faithful companion and will play when i need a smile and cuddle when i need to cry
- The fact that I have a dad who is not just able, but willing to move in with us to cook, clean, babysit, and basically pick up where I no longer can is beyond a blessing!
- Christmas lights...it's hard to be sad when they're so pretty!  It's the first year I want them up early!
- My home...and that as of Nov 30 I will only own one!!

There are so many little things that I am thankful for which are trivial compared to the blessings of health, family, kindness, and love (but they make me smile all the same!).  Like salt on a margarita glass, good mexican food, sushi, the smell of pumpkin candles, hot chocolate, christmas stockings, Glamour magazine, my Uggs, sunshine, thunderstorms, the beach, the mountains, christmas cards...i could go on and on.

These are the things I must remember when my emotional side gets too depressed about our current situation.  Rationally, I know I'm a lucky girl.  A girl who has had to battle her share, but who hasn't?!?  (If you haven't, please don't tell me...I'm not sure I could handle it right now!)  And I must continue to find joy in the world around me- I always have before and I don't want to stop now!  I do not want to be a cynic, I do not want to be jaded, I do not want to be a worrier.  So therefor, I will keep working on my rational side and fighting some of these emotional pregnancy hormones...and I promise that before I eat my turkey on Thursday I will again give thanks, as I now do every day, for the blessings that I'm lucky enough to call mine.

Birthday Blues...

Two days ago I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday.  And by celebrated i mean i spent the day on the couch, limited by my bedrest instructions.  Alex tried to make it special- he taught Nicholas to say 'happy birthday, mommy', made a wonderful dinner, baked a cake, and even did the whole candle bit- but let's be real, it was kind of a bummer of a day!

That being said, I'm aware that i have much to be thankful for and much to celebrate right now!  First and most importantly, I'm still pregnant and we're approaching 27 weeks!!  Now that may not seem like much since 'normal' pregnancy is 40 weeks but after getting admitted prior to 24 weeks with preterm labor and a whole bunch of unanswered questions (not to mention fears!)- 27 is looking pretty good!  Of course, our goal is still 34+ but we must take each day at a time!

So why am i bummed out?!?  My 30th year was a good one- Nicholas is thriving, I have a new house, a job, my marriage is still wonderful, and we found out that we're having a little girl!  And my 31st year will hopefully hold just as many blessings- a healthy (dare i wish for a full term?!?) daughter, Nicholas will continue to grow and amaze me daily, and once this bedrest thing is over, everything will go back to normal...right?!?  And i guess that, right there, is what's bumming me out- nothing about this current situation even feels REMOTELY normal...not for me, not for Nicholas, not for Alex...not for anyone!

Let me try and explain...I don't sit still!  I never have.  I have always spread myself too thin, over committed to activities/events, worked too hard, 'burned the candle at both ends', blah, blah, blah.  So when this whole bedrest thing came to be, it was like going from 150 mph to slamming into a brick wall!  I was working full time, running Nick to and from daycare, trying to spend every possible waking minute with my son, taking call, planning for a new baby, managing a home (with tons of help from my very able husband), and trying to find a social life on top of everything else!  Now my day consists of reading, crappy TV, knitting, this blog, and waiting for Nicholas to get home from daycare.  I have no time constraints whatsoever!  Which I thought would be glorious, but in actuality, is a bit disconcerting!  No one cares what time I get out of bed, or if i get out of bed.  The only things I have to do is take my medicine every 6 hours to avoid contractions!  As long as i set my cell alarm for that, i'm 'good'!  Oh, and once a week i have my big outing to the doctor- which as pathetic as it sounds, completely wipes me out for the rest of the day!  How ridiculous is that?!?  Going to the doctor makes me tired...hell, my every other day shower makes me tired!  This is because i don't do anything...i don't walk around, go upstairs, or any other sort of activity that requires muscle contraction, balance or coordination!  My big events for the day are when i get up to go the bathroom!  (now I will say that i'm unbelievably thankful for bathroom priviledges having lost them during my second hospitalization with Nicholas!)

But I feel like a waste...my muscles are turning to jello, i get winded when i walk from the parking lot to the waiting room at the doctor's (and no, she's not crushing my ribs or lungs yet), and i can no longer do for myself, my family, and most importantly, my son.  It breaks my heart when he pulls on my sleeve and says, 'mommy come upstairs' or 'mommy take me to school' or any other number of things we used to do on a regular basis that i guess i took for granted!  I can't pick him up...which until 3 weeks ago was the highlight of my each and every day- picking him up, getting a bear hug from my son, and burying my head in his not quite 2 year old hair and inhaling every ounce of goodness in and around him.  This is no longer possible.  And to be honest, he not only doesn't understand, he's pissed at me!  And I don't blame him!  How do you explain to a 22 month old that mommy still loves you just as much as 3 weeks ago but can't play, pick you up, dress you, change you, take you to school, wrestle...the list goes on and on!  And we have to be very careful how we explain this to him because the last thing we want him to do is blame the baby!  He's already going to have a very hard time relinquishing the role of center of attention w/out blaming her for the weeks he lost with mommy before she got here!

Then there's Alex...he's now thrust into the role of basically being a single dad (with a lot of help from our now live in cook, housekeeper, babysitter, chauffeur, etc- my dad) and i know this can't be easy on him!  He goes to work full time, comes home, is a wonderful hands on dad, puts Nick to bed around 8:30 and then tries to do the work that is waiting for him in the form of emails, reports, etc.  I know he's exhausted!  But I'm also lonely (and selfish!) and when he gets home, I want some of his time and attention.  My human contact is very limited...and while my home is lovely, at times it feels like a prison!  And right now, he's my only contact with the 'outside world'!  He doesn't understand why I want him to recount every detail of his day when the last thing he wants to talk about is work!

Things were so much simpler when i could make myself lunch, eat dinner at the table, shower and blow dry my hair w/out timing how long i've been on my feet, interact with my son the way i used to- the way i want to, and every other daily thing i took for granted.  Hell, i used to complain about laundry and cooking- now i would give anything to feel that useful, like i've accomplished something!  I am in desparate need of a hair cut- as it stands right now, that will be my reward for making it to 28+ weeks!  And these are the daily, mundane things that i miss...this doesn't even begin to cover the feelings i have about missing Nick's first trick-or-treat, cancelling our thanksgiving plans, missing the chance to pick out our christmas tree and decorate the house, take Nick to see Santa...the list goes on and on.  Each event a painful reminder of what i'm unable to do!

Now I know that this is temporary...that god willing, after 2 1/2 months of this and a healthy baby girl, this will be forgotten (or at least fade into the background).  I also know that my most important job is taking care of this little girl and trying to provide her with the best chance of being healthy (which also means getting her as close to full term) as possible!  It's just beyond frustrating (and disappointing) that I apparently suck so bad at this whole being pregnant thing that i require all these special instructions- just to keep her where she belongs!  I see all these other pregnant women (at the doctors and on TV since I don't go anywhere else!)- big as houses- going about their normal lives and routines and i'm so damn jealous that sometimes i cry.  I want to know what is so hard about all of this, why i am an epic failure at it?!?  Why can't i be that cute pregnant lady with her son out Christmas shopping!?!  Again, I will pack up my maternity clothes this spring, not having worn most of them!  And this time I will pack them up for friends or to sell, because the Tabori baby factory is being surgically shut down once she is here!  I can't imagine placing another child at risk b/c my body is terrible at staying pregnant- and at times i feel selfish for trying a second time!  But I have to trust my doctor and listen when she says 'by doing nothing, we're actually doing something!'....and hope that the something that we're doing will allow another 8-10 weeks of pregnancy and growing for my daughter!

So I guess the grass is always greener somewhere else- when I was beyond busy I wondered when i would be able to lie around and do nothing.  Now that nothing is all i have to do, I would give anything to be just a little busy!  Of course, there is a vast expanse of middle ground that i skipped over and i'm sure that utter contentment and happiness lies somewhere in there.  That will most definitely pale in comparison to the happiness that i'm hoping for as the days and weeks continue to tick away and we await my daughter's arrival- as close to full term as possible!  Until then, you'll know where to find me...and I will do my best to enjoy every minute of it, knowing that she is worth every sacrifice, and that 10+ weeks of bedrest is just a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime of healthy!